Archive for June, 2009

« Older Entries

I spent a lot of time working on something I’m not that into anymore.

June 28, 2009

I spent an inordinate amount of time and money to go to school, and now I’m not that interested in my dissertation nor am I enthusiastic about the field in which I got my degree. I haven’t finished my dissertation and the thought of doing so makes me exhausted and panicky. Should I finish it (taking time that I’m not sure I’m willing to invest), or should I just move on?

Oh, forget it. Who cares? It’s just a degree.

Just kidding, Dad!

I’ve been sitting around with my thumb up my ass for years, with every intention of finishing my master’s thesis. It’s true. Technically, I don’t quite have that MFA yet. I even went so far as to have not one, but two children not because I wanted to raise a family, but because they are an excellent excuse to not finish my thesis.

A certain brother of mine, who shall remain nameless, pretty much dropped out of an MBA program with two classes to go. Why? Eh. Wasn’t in the mood. Dad is so proud of both of us.

It’s a crappy feeling to have that hanging over your head, and I’m pretty sure you would feel even worse were you to just abandon your dissertation completely. I think you should finish it, but tape a sign over your desk or put a post-it on your laptop that says, “IT CAN TOTALLY SUCK.” You’re not going for perfection here; you just want to finish. If you finish and it’s awesome, then great, but if you finish and it’s only so-so but gets the job done, then fine. You did it.

Then you can go do what you really want to do. (Hey, Dad, what I really want to do is finish my thesis, so I’m not going to watch any reality television dating shows tonight, I’m going to go do my work!)

Tags:, ,
Posted in Uncategorized | Leave a Comment »

Unsolicited Advice #7

June 26, 2009

To the people arguing back and forth on their Facebook status over whether or not it’s okay to feel bad because Michael Jackson is dead: OhmyGod STOP. Facebook is for loving, not for fighting in a weird passive-aggressive way over whether or not someone whom neither of you have ever met is worthy of being mourned.

This doesn’t mean I want everyone to stop all passive-aggressive Facebook status arguing. That really makes my day. Please keep doing that…just not over Michael Jackson.

Tags:, ,
Posted in Uncategorized | Leave a Comment »

I don’t want to live in the suburbs.

June 26, 2009

We just had our second child. Our New York apartment, which was tight before, is now completely crowded and chaotic. We don’t want to leave the city because we really, really love it and have lived here for a long time. We can’t afford to move to an apartment that would fit all of us comfortably, we don’t live in an area with good public schools, and we can’t afford to send both of our kids to private school. The thought of moving to the suburbs is too depressing for words, but I don’t know how we can make it work in the city anymore. What should we do?

In the suburbs, people get up in the morning and go to work. They bring their kids to daycare or school. In the evening, they come home and make something insane for dinner like taco shells crumbled on top of defrosted Gardenburgers with a side dish of jarred Kalamata olives because they forgot to go to the grocery store. On the weekends, because babysitters now cost $75 an hour and spend the whole time texting their boyfriends, they all get together at someone’s house and let the kids run around the back yard like wild animals while the moms drink too much Chardonnay, the dads drink too much beer, and everyone takes turns pretending they don’t smoke anymore and sneaks out to the driveway to have half a Marlboro light.

Here’s the difference if you lived in the city: better takeout, and the kids can’t all cram into one person’s apartment. (Unless you’re friends with Gwyneth Paltrow or Sarah Jessica Parker and then you probably could fit into a friend’s apartment.)

Moving to the suburbs is accepting defeat. It’s admitting that you’re not going to be out clubbing until 6 am every weekend, eating a leisurely breakfast with the paper on the sidewalk at that weird Russian restaurant on the corner, and spending weekend afternoons wandering around Barney’s and the Met. But seriously, give it up. You’re not going to be doing that anymore, anyway.

Tags:, , , , ,
Posted in Uncategorized | Leave a Comment »

Without mothers-in-law, I would have nothing to do.

June 23, 2009

I bought my mother-in-law a nice pair of fairly expensive earrings.  I thought they were her style.  The whole family was there when she opened them.  Only 2 weeks later, she re-gifted them to my sister-in-law for her birthday.  My sister-in-law was there when she originally opened them from me, so she knew.  What do I do?  I couldn’t help but let it hurt my feelings.  Should I say anything to my mother-in-law?

Two possibilities: 1.) She’s suffering from age-induced memory loss. 2.) She really, really hates you and doesn’t give a flying fig whether or not she hurts your feelings.

In either situation, I don’t think saying something to her is going to do any good. (Although if she’s normally nice and well-mannered, you might want to take her for a checkup.)

Maybe take your hurt and direct those emotions in a sympathetic fashion toward your sister-in-law, who was publicly re-gifted something, which is like a great big F YOU from your mother-in-law to her. And be happy that someone who can appreciate those nice, expensive earrings now owns them.

Also, from now on your mother-in-law gets Target gift cards as presents.

Tags:, ,
Posted in Uncategorized | Leave a Comment »

I’m on vacation. So here’s some vacation advice.

June 23, 2009

My boyfriend and I live together, but when we visit his extremely religious parents, they insist we sleep in separate bedrooms. This is ridiculous and I resent them forcing their religious beliefs on us. My boyfriend refuses to stand up to them on this issue and thinks I should just let it go, but I can’t.

One day, maybe you and your boyfriend will get married, and after a few years you’ll welcome the chance to sleep in different beds. It’ll be like an extra little vacation bonus. So just pretend you’re married, and stretch out your legs a little bit.

There’s no point in antagonizing them over this. Save it for something important, like when try to make you go to the 14th Annual 24-Hour Church-a-thon or baptize your baby in a fire pit.

When we travel with our young children, I get very tense on airplanes because I feel like they’re bothering the other passengers. I spend the entire flight trying to keep them busy and quiet, which, to tell the truth, is exhausting and stressful. On the other hand, my husband lets them bounce off the walls and carry on like we’re playing in the back yard and not enclosed in a small space with 200 other people. He says that part of air travel is putting up with other people, and that sometimes those other people are children. Who’s right?

You both are.

One time, before I had kids, I was stuck in a flight on the runway for an hour and forty-five minutes. For half of that time, I listened to the little girl behind me snap her gum until I thought my head was going to explode. I turned around, pointed my long, angry, finger at her, and hissed, “If I hear you snap your gum one more time I’m going to get you kicked off this plane.” She didn’t make a peep for the rest of the flight, except for a little sniffle now and again. Yes, I made her cry.

Now that I’m a parent, I realize that threatening small children is just as impolite as gum snapping. But seriously…where were this girls’ parents? It’s their job to make sure she’s behaving appropriately.

So I don’t think stressing over every outburst, shushing every cry, and running yourself ragged with your own on-board preschool program is a good idea. Your husband is right; kids are kids, and kids make noise. Maybe you can relax a little and your husband can pay a little more attention, and meet somewhere nice right in the middle.

Tags:, , , ,
Posted in Uncategorized | Leave a Comment »

Facebook: where you can make your life look waaaaay better than it really is.

June 18, 2009

My friends just posted a bunch of pictures and notes to each other on Facebook about a fun night out they had…that I wasn’t invited to. My feelings are really hurt but I don’t want to be like a lame 5th grade girl and say, “Why didn’t you invite me?” But I really want to know why they didn’t invite me.

Ouch. That smarts.

Facebook has connected people with everyone they went to high school with, and now, suddenly, Facebook is like high school.

That fun time they had last night is made even better by letting other people know that they’re cool enough to have fun times…and then the icing on that cake is the fun they get out of being in a position to exclude people.

I think you should in this case, then, do what you would have done in high school. Maybe make out with one of their boyfriends! Cry and write in your diary! Go sit in a parking lot and drink beer! Call one of their mothers and anonymously tell her that her daughter has herpes!

Tags:,
Posted in Uncategorized | Leave a Comment »

I like one half of a couple we know.

June 17, 2009

My wife and I would like to visit a friend who lives at a beautiful upstate New York lake.  The only problem is that we can’t stand her husband.  How do we visit her and her wonderful children without having to put up with his drinking and card playing for the entire weekend?  I just don’t enjoy 48 hours of brisket smoking instruction and him asking his wife where everything is.  Please help.

Get a beautiful, well-appointed hotel suite in town, and then get a suite next door to it for the wife and her children. If her husband is really that bad, you should feel sorry for her. She probably needs a break. And some diamond jewelry, so bring her some of that. Then give the husband lots of beer very early in the day, and maybe put some kind of light sedative in it, so that he passes out early. Then you can all enjoy each others’ company without having to endure his meat-cooking seminars.

And stop being such a wuss about how badly you suck at poker. Not that I know this is the case…just an educated guess…

Tags:, ,
Posted in Uncategorized | Leave a Comment »

I accidentally read my husband’s email. On purpose.

June 17, 2009

I accidentally saw on my husband’s email account, which he left open on the computer, that he had an email from an old girlfriend. I read it (I know, I shouldn’t have) and it was harmless, there was nothing bad in it, but he never mentioned that she emailed him so of course now I’m suspicious that something shady is going on. If I bring it up, he’s going to know I read his email and he’s going to be mad, but if I don’t ask about it, I might go crazy. What should I do?

You should hop in your time machine, go back to seeing his email on the computer, and think to yourself, “Reading other peoples’ private correspondence is sneaky, rude, and an enormous invasion of privacy and only a complete and utter assface would read her husband’s email without his explicit permission.” Then you should shut down the computer and go shopping and buy yourself a treat for being such an honest and wonderful person.

If you don’t have a time machine, then you should consider your mental torture your punishment for putting your shnoz where it doesn’t belong, and remember this shitty feeling the next time you’re tempted to peek at something you shouldn’t. He’s allowed to have friends, and he’s allowed to catch up with old friends.

Tags:, , ,
Posted in Uncategorized | Leave a Comment »

It’s almost Father’s Day. Let the stress begin.

June 16, 2009

My husband doesn’t want to spend Father’s Day with me and the kids. He wants to spend it golfing with his friends. It hurts my feelings and now that the kids are older, it’s confusing and hurtful to them, too. If I force him to spend Father’s Day with us, though, that’s negating the whole point of the day, isn’t it?

No, it’s not. It’s Father’s Day, goddamit, and he should spend the day being a father! I actually think you should plan a spa day for yourself and leave him with the kids all day so he can fully appreciate the wonder and joy of being a father.

I’m assuming he’s not waking up before sunrise, dressing silently in the dark, scurrying out the front door, golfing for 16 hours, and sneaking back in the house under cover of darkness. So maybe you could have breakfast together, give him a present, and then take the kids to a movie while he golfs.

I can’t think of one single thing to get my dad for Father’s Day. Do you have any suggestions?

Think about what your dad likes to do with his time, and get him something to make that activity more pleasant. For instance, my dad likes to walk around in his yard, so we’ve spent years purchasing items to make walking around in the yard more interesting, pleasant, and adventurous. (In his defense, my dad does have a very big yard.)

My partner complains constantly about Father’s Day, and how it’s a made up holiday and he doesn’t need to be forced by The Man to celebrate the fact that he’s a parent. And then Father’s Day arrives and he complains if we don’t make a big deal out of it. It’s so annoying and makes me wrong if I celebrate it or if I don’t!

Go out of town this weekend. Without him. Problem solved.

Tags:, , ,
Posted in Uncategorized | Leave a Comment »

Just so you know…

June 15, 2009

A friendly reminder: if you write in on my Ask Me page, I don’t know who you are unless you tell me. There’s no way I can figure it out. The name and email address fields are not required, so just skip that part. No one will know it’s you; plus, I’m beginning to realize that everyone thinks everything is about them, anyway, so don’t worry.

Posted in Uncategorized | Leave a Comment »

« Older Entries
Follow

Get every new post delivered to your Inbox.