Archive for August, 2009

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My friend is getting married and it’s a bad, bad idea.

August 31, 2009

My friend “Ashley” just got engaged. When she and her fiance came over to tell me the big news I had to go hide in the bathroom for a minute because I was so upset that I was sure they could see it on my face. I like “Dave” okay but I think he’s horribly immature, unreliable, and irresponsible. She’s so into getting married and having a family and I’m scared that she’s going to get pregnant right after their wedding and that he is going to leave her as a poor single mother before she even turns 25. My other friends and I are thinking of staging an intervention to talk to her about postponing the wedding but are afraid of her reaction. Should we do this?

The biggest problem I have with other people is that they don’t do what I say. Ashley won’t listen to you, so don’t bother.

I’ve been to weddings where I wanted to rush the altar, grab the bouquet out of the bride’s hands, and stomp on it while screaming, “NO, NO, NO! You two are IDIOTS! Do NOT do this!” But I didn’t. I clapped and got misty-eyed over the vows and then shortly thereafter when it all went to shit, I listened to a lot of crying and bit my tongue when the bride said, “Why didn’t anyone say anything to me?”

Conversely, I dedicated an absurd amount of time and attention, and grocery money to a guy with the maturity level of a four-year-old and the intellectual curiosity of a groundhog. Despite my friends taking out a full-page ad in  The New York Times begging me to dump him, I insisted that eventually he would move out of his parents’ house and would come to realize that skipping work to get your nipple pierced on a Wednesday afternoon is not the behavior of a future executive.

You shouldn’t sneak-attack Ashley with a Dave Sucks party. I’ve said this before: if she expresses a concern to you, feel free to give her your opinion (i.e., “YES, it’s really bad that he used your sister’s breast pump as a beer bong. What an idiot.”) but don’t make a big deal out of it. It’s only going to make her mad at you, and even worse, isolate her from you and the rest of her friends. Be a good friend, but an honest one.

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Unsolicited Advice #10

August 28, 2009

To the people in the school pick-up line who talk for 20 minutes about Junior’s trouble writing symmetrical o’s while everyone else is waiting behind you with a screaming kid in a hot car and is probably very late for a dentist appointment: Perhaps you should schedule a parent-teacher conference.

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I’m a good actor, but not that good.

August 27, 2009

I’m an actor and I have a kissing scene with the smelliest guy. He’s hot, and I was really looking forward to smooching him (in a professional capacity, of course) until I got close to him. He reeks of onions and cigarettes and something musty that I don’t want to explore the origins of. Is there a nice way to tell him to shower and wear clean clothes? I actually can’t believe no one else has ever brought this up to him before.

“Oh, Brad Pitt, I’m so concerned about grossing you out that I showered twice today before I came to work. I’m sure the fact that I reek of Irish Spring is going to burn the hairs right out of your nose, but one time I had a kissing scene with someone after I ate a pastrami on rye and I was mortified when he told me I smelled like mustard so since then, I’ve been really really really super anal about smelling good. It’s silly, right? Can you smell me? I know it’s weird but just give me a little sniff. Oh, thanks. Good thing everyone here is really into smelling good and being clean!”

If he doesn’t take the hint, stuff little wads of Kleenex up your nose.

Or surreptitiously spray him with Febreeze.

Or just use your best acting skills and try to draw from the fact that hate and love are two very similar emotions. You love the way he smells like mothballs and anchovies!

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Volunteering is no fun unless you’re in charge.

August 27, 2009

About a year ago, I joined a service organization in my town, and joined the committee that volunteers at a food pantry and community center. I love the people at the center, the work is fulfilling, and I’m passionate about helping people and raising money and awareness to help the struggling families we support. I just can’t stand “Jane,” the woman in charge of my volunteer group. She is not part of the community center, but rather the service group. She is bossy and a know-it-all and has to be involved in every aspect of my volunteer experience. Jane refuses to listen to other people’s ideas, micromanages the volunteers, and is condescending even to the people who run the food pantry. For some strange reason, she’s popular within the service organization and I know complaining would get me nowhere. I love where I volunteer, and I enjoy the other members of my group, but I’m considering quitting because Jane is making my life miserable.

I’ve been the president of everything from fourth grade to my moms’ group, and it’s not by accident.

I like to think I share some of the same qualities as another great president, Barack Obama: drive, ambition, great leadership skills, megalomania, and a stunning commitment to my own excellent ideas, no matter what anyone else may say or what actual facts prove otherwise.

People like us are hard to handle. I feel your pain; the reason I decided to be a team leader back in the day at Boston Cares was the annoying bossy woman, my first team leader, who was deluded into thinking she knew more than me. I took care of that by becoming a leader myself.

I was captain of my track team in high school not because I was particularly fast or dedicated to the sport, but because I was incredibly (some might say disturbingly) loud and enthusiastic about it. I think you’re stifling your inner control freak, and you need to let her out. Ask to be put in charge of a team, or quit the service organization and volunteer directly for the food pantry. Badger people. Out-boss the bossy woman. Put yourself in charge of your own destiny, for Christ’s sake! And if you truly don’t want to be in charge, then put your head down, do your work, and don’t let Jane ruin what is otherwise a pleasurable experience for you.

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I’m sick of helping.

August 26, 2009

A week ago, my sister-in-law had a car accident, and is suffering from a concussion and a broken arm. I felt bad for her–she is a single mother, and lives with her mother (my mother-in-law) who is only somewhat helpful, so I immediately came to her house to help. It has been a week and my mother-in-law is driving me bananas. She doesn’t really help with anything, but has a lot of opinions about what I’m doing wrong and what I should be doing. I like my sister-in-law and I want to help her, but I don’t know how long I can last. My mother-in-law and I got into a fight this morning over dressing the kids for school, and I’m so mad right now I have half a mind to just pack up and go. What should I do?

Go home, Florence Nightingale. Pay for a housekeeper to come once a week for the next couple months, and have a pizza delivered to them every Friday night.

I’m not a doctor (obviously) but I bet her concussion is all gone, and the broken arm is going to be broken for at least six more weeks, and there’s no way in hell you can stay for that long. And since your sister-in-law is injured, she won’t be able to help you when you have a mental breakdown and are suffering post-traumatic stress disorder because of her mother.

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Back to school!

August 24, 2009

My kids don’t want to ride the bus to school, but I don’t particularly feel like getting dressed in the morning and driving them. They say it’s embarrassing to ride the bus and that I’m ruining their lives. What do you think…should I drive them?

Yes. Totally drive them. Don’t wear pants, and wear one of those t-shirts that has the shape of a busty woman wearing a bikini on it. Wear a winter hat with ear flaps and a pair of stilettos, insist on kissing and hugging them good-bye and holding hands while you walk them into school, and I’m fairly certain they’ll be waiting at the bus stop at 5 am tomorrow.

I’m a college freshman and I moved into the dorm 5 days ago. I hate my roommate and I want to get a new room, but my parents and my RA are telling me to stick it out for the semester. I really, really hate her. What should I do?

You will never be friends with the stupid cow, so move out. Do whatever you can to make it happen: plant drugs in her underwear drawer, go get a highly infectious disease that requires you to live alone, or sleep with her boyfriend. Whatever works.

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My cowerkers writing and spelling ain’t so goode.

August 21, 2009

My colleague and team member at work, “Jen,” has terrible grammar and spelling. She often sends out emails on behalf of our entire team to the whole company, or the CEO, or even worse, to clients. Her crappy writing makes everyone on my team look bad. I’m not her boss, so I don’t feel like I can say anything to her. I also don’t want to start an ugly office fight which will inevitably happen if I talk to my boss, because it will get back to her that I complained. What can I do? Can I write an anonymous note and put it on my boss’s desk?

Anonymous note-writing is for pussies. Suck it up and deal with it.

Let’s imagine that your coworker said inappropriate things when you were in meetings. Like, say you were in a meeting with clients, and she said, “This presentation we’re about to make is going to blow your fucking socks off.”

You would say something to her, right? RIGHT?

Part of advancing your career is figuring out how to deal effectively with other people while you climb to great heights on the corporate ladder. Allowing your work to be compromised by someone who can’t write an email to save her life is wimpy. Eventually, you’re going to be in a position (hopefully) where you’re in charge of people, and being in charge of people means having unpleasant conversations. If you don’t want to get her in trouble with your boss, sit down with her and a couple examples of her more egregious errors, explain that you want her to do well and that you think her writing skills are holding her back, and offer to proofread anything important before she sends it out to the group.

If she doesn’t stop, slap your boss on the back of the head and ask her why she’s continuing to let this nitwit drag you all down into her quicksand of shitty grammar and spelling. Office fights can be fun sometimes.

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I was invited as a single guest to a wedding. I’m gay, but definitely not single.

August 20, 2009

I was recently invited to a wedding as a single guest. The groom is a good friend from college. I don’t see him very often, but I was very much looking forward to going to the wedding and seeing all of our old friends. The problem with being invited as a single guest is that I am actually not single. I’m a gay man who has been living with my partner for five years. We have a son together. If we could get married, we would, but we can’t, so technically I’m single but in reality I am definitely not.

I called a good mutual friend of the groom and asked him why he thought I was invited without my partner, and he said that the groom was being very tight with his guest list and was hoping I would understand. I am not really sure how to proceed. I would like to attend the wedding but I can’t shake the feeling that this has less to do with budgetary issues than it does homophobia issues. I can’t imagine that my friend would have invited only one half of a heterosexual married couple. What should I do? Should I go to the wedding?

Can you find out who else is going? Call around to some other friends who are going, and find out if you’re the only married person (I totally consider you married) who was invited without a spouse. Or even call the groom and nonchalantly ask, “Are Dave and Betty going to be there?” If he’s like, “Oh, just Dave, I didn’t invite Betty,” then you’ll have your answer. If you are the only one invited as a single person, don’t go. As a gift, send the bride and groom a nice framed picture of you and your partner giving them the finger. Or maybe make it a nice collage of flipping them the bird and mooning them.

I’m going to start a side business called Homophobia Detectives, Inc., where I use my powers of observation, intuition, and shithead-detection to crack tough cases like yours. The better crime for the groom to commit would be tightwaddery and weird invitation-talking behind people’s backs; the worst, of course, would be not inviting your spouse because he’s uncomfortable with same-sex partners. (I AM GOING TO RESIST THE TEMPTATION TO PONTIFICATE HERE ABOUT THE UTTER ABSURDITY OF DENYING GAY PEOPLE THE RIGHT TO GET MARRIED.)

If you’re not the only person invited without a partner, then go and have a good time. I have lots of friends who are cheap m-erf-ers, and even people like that deserve to celebrate their weddings with friends.

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Can I fly first-class while my friend flies coach?

August 20, 2009

I am going on a girls weekend trip to Miami. I am a frequent flyer and am getting a great upgrade to first class. My girlfriend is on my flight is flying coach. She thinks I should give up my first class trip and fly in coach with her – I think this is ridiculous but want your thoughts – maybe I am being ridiculous. It is an 8:00 AM flight – I’d rather sleep. Should I suck it up and fly coach or should she suck it up and let me enjoy my first class seat?

If you’re flying from China to Miami, you may fly first class. I’m assuming, though, that you’re taking a six-hour-or-less flight, in which case flying alone in your big fancy first-class seat while your friend, with whom you’re going on a special girls’ weekend, is all by herself in the back of the plane with the proletariat, is rude.

Maybe for the rest of the trip you could get a massage and a pedicure while she scrubs the bathroom floor of your hotel room, and you can eat dinner in the special room at Prime 112 while she sits in the parking garage and licks coolant drips off the concrete.

If you really wanted to be nice, you could use some of those frequent flyer miles to upgrade your friend, and then you could both nap.

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Unsolicited Advice #8

August 18, 2009

To the guy with the ponytail who I saw in the airport yesterday…wait…on second thought…to every guy with a ponytail: Cut your hair. I know, you think you’re the one guy with a ponytail who doesn’t look like a total douchebag, but you’re wrong. You do. Cut it. Thank you.

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