Archive for January, 2010

« Older Entries

I want my husband to suprise me with exactly the thing I asked for.

January 29, 2010

So I really want this beautiful ring. I love it! My husband might be able to get it if this year goes well. He keeps saying don’t you worry baby, you will get the ring, which is so nice but it’s a ring made by someone and it’s not like there are 2 of them. I dont think he understands that I want THAT ring. I have this feeling he will go out and buy another version that I don’t like and then I will feel bad and ungrateful because he was trying. It’s really expensive and I want him to get the right one. He is not very good at knowing what I like. What do I say without hurting his feelings?

Here is a short list of things I want:

  • an Hermes Birkin bag made out of a white crocodile
  • a small yet comfortable jet staffed by the former members of N Sync because I travel with the kids a lot and I’ve almost been arrested 17 times for international security violations because they don’t understand the concept of waiting in line, and because those N Sync guys are cute and I bet they would make great flight attendants
  • that computer from Mission: Impossible that just looks like screens in the air that Tom Cruise operates by talking and waving his hands and fingers all over the place
  • every pair of Christian Louboutin heels ever made

There are many, many more items on my list. But I don’t have any of these things because we can’t afford them. And possibly because the Tom Cruise computer doesn’t exist in real life. So, what to say to your husband without hurting his feelings is irrelevant, because you’re not going to bring it up again, because it sounds like you can’t really afford it. Even though you love it.

“My husband might be able to get it if this year goes well.” If you’re sitting around crossing your fingers, hoping he makes enough to squeak an expensive ring out of his salary, you sure as hell shouldn’t be spending that money on jewelry. Either make more money and buy yourself your own damn ring, or let it go.

Tags:, ,
Posted in Uncategorized | 1 Comment »

I’m feeling suffocated and resentful. And we’ve only been on four dates.

January 28, 2010

I’ve been dating a guy for a fairly short period of time. He’s wayyy more into me than I am him. It was fun at first but now he emails and calls so much I’m starting to feel suffocated. I’m was really into him at first but he’s not giving me any space, and now it’s making me dislike him–even as he starts talking about what our children would look like. Is there any way to salvage this or do I have to break his heart?

Once, a realtor asked me out on a date after he showed me a couple apartments. We went out and at dinner, when I ordered, he was like, “I knew you were going to order that. I feel like I just know you so well.” Yes, you amazing psychic, knowing I would order a salad to go with my pizza really took incredible powers of intuition. When I asked about his family, he bitterly blurted (forever earning himself the nickname The Blurter), “I hate those people. I haven’t talked to them in years,” and went on to describe in excruciating detail all of his family drama dating back to the pioneer days. Oh, dear. Okay.

When we parted, he said, “Damn, I forgot to bring the present I got you. I bought you ice cube trays! You can never have enough ice cubes! When I come over and hang out I want to make sure we have enough ice!” At which point I decided I was never going to see him again, and I stopped on my way home and bought a taser and some mace.

Sure, it’s nice and thoughtful to bring your date a gift, but flowers will do. When you barely know someone and they immediately blurt out the icky parts of their life story, PLUS they’ve spent their spare time shopping for housewares, it’s just creepy.

Since you’re starting off on unequal footing, and you’re not as excited about him as he clearly is about you, I think you should just break it off. If you’ve only dated for a short period of time, and you already feel like cooling it off is going to break his heart, he’s probably a touch too psychotic for you, anyway. Relationships grow closer over time, and if you’re suffocated and actively dislike him at the beginning of the romance, I’m not sure this is going to head in a good direction, anyway.

Tags:, ,
Posted in Uncategorized | Leave a Comment »

Should I put my cat to sleep?

January 27, 2010

My cat is fifteen years old and has been declining in health. His teeth have been deteriorating rapidly to the point where they’re almost useless, and in the past week he’s barely eaten and has lost a lot of weight. Is it time to put him down? I don’t know if I can do it!

Sounds like it, unless they’re on the brink of inventing cat dentures.

I’m so, so, so sorry. My childhood dog died fourteen years ago and I still cry every time I hear that Hall & Oates song Maneater. (She was a little vicious for a cocker spaniel.) But you love him, and I know you don’t want him to suffer.

Tags:,
Posted in Uncategorized | Leave a Comment »

What should I go back to school for?

January 27, 2010

I’ve been coasting along lately, doing some jobs here and there that don’t really fall into any particular category. I make enough money, but I’m not that thrilled about any of my work. Nothing seems to be striking my fancy, and nothing holds my attention for long. I’ve been thinking I should go back to school. What should I go back to school for?

Animal husbandry! Foreign service! Calligraphy! Software development! Radiology! French Literature!

In other words, I don’t freaking know.

If you don’t know what the hell you want to do with your own self, how am I supposed to know? I have a sneaking suspicion you’re just going to be like, “Well, maybe I’ll be a teacher, because they get summers off.” Please don’t. The last thing this country needs is another teaching phoning it in nine months out of the year so she can go waitress in West Harwich for the summers and spend her days off drinking vodka out of a Nalgene bottle until she passes out on the beach.

The best teachers are the ones who feel passion for their students and the subject they teach. This can be applied to any career; what I don’t see is it applying to you until you take some time to sit down and figure out what makes you tick, and what makes your heart beat faster and your brain start whirring. Getting to that place may take some self-exploration, some serious thought about why you’re so scared to commit to a career. Pinpoint the part of yourself that’s holding you back, and tell it to fuck off.

Going back to school for the sake of going back to school is just more procrastination, and will only result in more panic and about four billion dollars in student loans.

Tags:,
Posted in Uncategorized | Leave a Comment »

One bad apple annoying woman is ruining my entire weekend.

January 26, 2010

I have a group of friends from college who get together for a trip every spring. My husband and I went to college together, so we really look forward to seeing all our old friends and their husbands and wives.The guys usually all stay together in one house, and the girls usually all stay together in another. Well, this year one girl friend decided to come at the last minute, and she said she’d rather stay with the men because she got into some argument with one of the other women and doesn’t feel comfortable staying in the same house. This seems obnoxious to me, plus she’s single and all the men are married, so I don’t understand what she thinks she’s doing. I don’t even think they have a free bed for her. When I brought this up with my husband, he laughed and said he would share his bed with her. I know he’s kidding, but it pissed me off even more. What is her PROBLEM? Don’t you think my husband and his friends should ask her to stay with the women? She’s going to ruin the whole weekend.

Her problem is that she’s going on vacation with a bunch of married people, which is probably pretty boring for her, and she’s trying to add some excitement to her life. Or maybe she wants to sleep with your husband. He sounds hi-LARIOUS, and some women find a good sense of humor very sexy.

There is seriously nothing you can do about this. I mean, you could get your panties all in a bunch and work yourself up to the point where you’re miserable all weekend. Or you could get into a J-woww-Jersey Shore-style fistfight with her. That could be fun. Or you could just enjoy your weekend and stop trying to control everyone and everything. Have fun with your friends, have fun with your husband, stay away from the friend who bugs you, and carry on with all the fun. That woman seems a little desperate for attention, anyway, so maybe you could try to look at things from her point of view.That might make it easier to be nice to her.

I do think, though, that it’s NOT unreasonable to make sure your husband knows you’re not joking when you say if he shares a bed with her he might not get to share yours ever again in this lifetime. Say it in a nice way, but feel free to say it.

Tags:, ,
Posted in Uncategorized | Leave a Comment »

My mother-in-law is a self-proclaimed cougar.

January 25, 2010

My father-in-law died suddenly about a year ago. About six months later, my mother-in-law started dating, and then a few months after that called my husband to announce that she officially has a boyfriend. If that weren’t traumatic enough, she’s giddy like a little girl and calling herself a “cougar” because her boyfriend is a couple years younger than she is—which is not that young.

I feel like she is trying to move on with her life and I’m happy for her, but my husband is understandably upset and confused about her behavior. He is still sad about the death of his father and has trouble seeing how she could date someone else so soon after her husband’s death. My mother-in-law wants us to meet her boyfriend, and has tried to get my husband to say hello to him on the phone, but so far my husband says he just can’t do it. Should I push him to meet his mom’s boyfriend? I think once he sees how happy she is, he will actually feel better, but he says it’s too soon.

Your poor husband. No one wants to hear their mother giggling and calling herself a cougar. I think even Oedipus would be like, “Whoa, mom, dial it back a little bit, and please don’t say the phrase ‘tight buns’ to me ever again.”

The problem here is the grieving. It’s taking your husband his own amount of time, and he’s dealing with it in his own way. His mother is taking her own amount of time, and is dealing with it in a much different way. There’s no right or wrong way to go through this, and I think if your husband makes an effort to wrap his head around that, he’ll be able to at least put the judgments on hold.

I don’t think you should push him to do anything. All I think you should do is continue being a concerned, kind, understanding, supportive wife, and to encourage him, should he ask, to do what makes him comfortable when it comes to meeting his mom’s boyfriend. Try and gently remind him that his mom is in the throes of her first new romance in God-knows-how-many years; just because she’s happy with her PYT doesn’t mean she loves your husband’s dad any less.

Tags:, ,
Posted in Uncategorized | Leave a Comment »

My colleague asked us for money. Awkward.

January 22, 2010

What would you do if one of your coworkers was going through a divorce and emailed the entire company explaining her new living situation, and then asked for money and giftcards to help her through her difficult time? It’s a pretty small company, but still!

Well, if it were my company, I would have a serious talk with her about boundaries, appropriate use of company email, and, if there weren’t already one in place, immediately institute a NO SOLICITATIONS policy for my employees.

Otherwise, if I have to be honest here, what I would do is talk about how crazy she is behind her back.* I’d also pretend I never saw the email. The whole situation is weird and she sounds a little unstable. You can definitely sympathize with her and take her to lunch if she needs a friend to talk to, but getting her a Target giftcard and leaving a $20 on her keyboard will just encourage inappropriate behavior, and the next thing you know she’ll be passing around a hat, taking a collection for her boob job.

*Please note: I’m not advocating talking about people behind their backs…but you asked me what I would do, and unfortunately, I would totally do that.

Tags:, ,
Posted in Uncategorized | Leave a Comment »

The only thing worse than stealing someone’s husband is stealing her babysitter. Actually, the babysitter stealing is kind of worse.

January 21, 2010

I did my friend a FAVOR and gave her my babysitter’s number for a one-time emergency situation. Over time she has slowly but surely started calling her more and more, and recently my sitter wasn’t available when I needed her, and I later found out she was babysitting for my friend that night. THEN I find out that my friend is paying the babysitter more, so of course she is going to sit for her instead of me. Is it me or is this completely rude and underhanded? I am SO annoyed and I’m ready to bring it up with my friend. What is the best way to do this?

No one knows my babysitter’s name. I make her drive a car with no license plates, and she wears a president’s mask like the guys in Point Break when she walks from the car to my door. She doesn’t come out in public with me, I would rather die than bring her to the playground or a birthday party, and I don’t even have her cell number in case I get drunk one time and give it to a friend while my defenses are down. We communicate through smoke signals. When we’re out with friends and they say, “Who’s watching the kids tonight?” I scream at them, “NO ONE. No one is watching the kids. Stop asking me really personal questions or I am going to fucking FREAK OUT.”

Unfortunately, there’s not much you can do. You can’t blame your babysitter for taking the job that pays more. You can offer to give her more money, but if I were you, I would just find another awesome babysitter and keep her in a Witness Protection Program-like setting.

As for your friend, don’t bother bringing it up. Consider this a good lesson learned. She knows what she did, and she probably doesn’t feel bad about it. Everyone knows: all is fair in love, war, and babysitting.

Tags:
Posted in Uncategorized | 1 Comment »

My dogs are bad. Can I invite my friends somewhere other than my house for a party?

January 20, 2010

I have two dogs who are quite unruly. They are not always people-friendly, especially around young children. We have many friends who have invited us for dinner at their homes, or barbecues or birthday parties, and we would love to reciprocate but I worry about having people in my house with our crazy dogs. In particular, I worry about the children. Is it strange to organize a get-together at a restaurant? I don’t want to pay the bill for everyone’s meal, but I would like to invite our friends somewhere. Just not our house. Could I invite everyone to a dinner out but somehow imply that they are responsible for their tab without seeming cheap?

I’m going to ignore your stupid question about inviting your friends to a restaurant, not paying for their dinners, and thinking that making the suggestion to meet there fulfills any sort of hosting obligation.

Instead, I’m going to answer the more pressing question that you didn’t even ask, which I will now ask for you: Why do I have two dogs in my house who are so out of control that I’m afraid they’re going to scare my friends and eat their children?

Here’s your answer: because you’re a lazy pet-owner. Take the dogs to obedience school, or call the Dog Whisperer. Train them. Maybe get them some crates and some rawhide chew toys so they’re not tempted to use a four-year-old’s leg as a doggie treat. If you don’t have the time, the money, or the inclination to do such a thing, maybe give the dogs to someone who does, and get a fish. Not a piranha or a shark. Just a fish.

Tags:, ,
Posted in Uncategorized | 1 Comment »

Can I lie to my husband about a teeny little dent I got in his car from hitting a teeny little pole?

January 19, 2010

My husband is away on a work trip, and yesterday I accidentally drove into a pole in a parking lot with his new car. What makes this even worse is that we just got it back from being repaired because I got into a small fender bender. I feel horrible about it and I know he’s going to be mad at me. Should I just lie and tell him that someone hit me while the car was parked somewhere? He’ll never know the difference and it would definitely make my life a lot easier.

Most of the time, I have no idea what I’m talking about. But today is your lucky day: you’ve asked a question that taps into my core area of experience and expertise: smashing into things with the car.

One time, in my husband’s brand new car, I hit a lawn mower and scraped it all along the car door, and then in a panic drove in the other direction, still scraping against the lawn mower. Another time, I did an amazing three-point turn in a parking lot where I managed to smack into FOUR cars before peeling out in a panic and driving right over a two-foot curb while I fled. I’ve hit my mailbox, my neighbor’s mailbox, a miniature pony, a gigantic boulder, an 18-wheeler, several pets of varying sizes, a wide variety of fences, poles, and garage doors, and several very sturdy people.

While my accidents have varied in scope, size, and time spent in the emergency room, one thing remains constant: I confess. I leave notes, I give out insurance information, I offer to replace the hamster I just flattened. I hit the boulder driving a friend’s car (see, you thought I was kidding about the boulder, didn’t you?!), and even though I REALLY didn’t want to, I told her about it. I tell my husband about it every single time–even though we were living in the city for a good chunk of time and I totally could have passed it off as other peoples’ faults.

It’s not cool to lie to your husband. Part of being a grown-up, and a HUGE part of being a good spouse, is being able to admit when you messed up.

Tags:, ,
Posted in Uncategorized | Leave a Comment »

« Older Entries
Follow

Get every new post delivered to your Inbox.