Archive for February, 2010

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I got a beautiful diamond ring that I just don’t want.

February 26, 2010

My boyfriend of six months recently proposed. I was and am totally thrilled. We are both almost forty and, while I wasn’t expecting it to happen so quickly, it feels right. However, because it happened so quickly we never had time to talk about rings. He bought me a beautiful diamond ring and I really appreciate that. But I teach inner-city kids and have a lot of friends who don’t make a lot of money and I really never wanted a diamond ring. I feel uncomfortable wearing it. I don’t know what to do because I don’t want to make him feel bad and I so appreciate the ring, but I also don’t want to spend my life wearing a ring that makes me uncomfortable. I know he would be understanding, but I just don’t want to hurt his feelings. What should I do?

You’re about to spend the rest of your life with this person. In theory, you’re going to wake up to his mug EVERY SINGLE DAY until you die. You’re going to have to tell him so many unpleasant things: “Honey, I can’t seem to find one of our children…I swear I brought him into Target with me…” or “Sweetheart, from the smell of things, you haven’t flossed since 1994, and every time your face comes near mine I get dry heaves.” Or “Baby, hiring your mother as a live-in housekeeper is really not what I had in mind when I said I needed more help around the house.”

This isn’t a big deal. I think instead of saying you don’t want it, you could wear the ring on occasion, and tell your fiance that you don’t feel comfortable wearing it to work or around your poor friends. (By the way…the former I understand, but the latter is a little weird. Tough cookies for them if your stuff is nicer; if they get all jealous and bitter over your pretty ring, they’re crappy friends.) There’s no law that says the diamond has to be clamped to your finger 24 hours a day until you perish.

But if the ring’s presence in your house will  truly make you uncomfortable to the point where it’s haunting you all Tell-Tale Heart-style, then you just have a conversation with him. “Thank you for this beautiful ring; I’m so excited to marry you. I don’t want to hurt your feelings, and I want to be clear that the gesture is really romantic and lovely, but I’m afraid I won’t ever wear it and it seems disingenuous to not tell you.”

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I hate my girlfriend’s best friend.

February 26, 2010

My girlfriend “Jenny” is honestly the nicest, most caring and thoughtful person I’ve ever met. Anyway, she has this “best friend” since childhood, “Mary,” who recently met this apparently awesome group of co-workers, and in turn, tossed Jenny aside.

Jenny is always trying to save their relationship by trying to setup get-togethers and whatnot to hang out, but Mary either ignores her or takes a week to reply..and of course she’s always “busy.” When there is communication from her about hanging out it’s via text and very formal. The last time Jenny texted Mary, she replied with “I’m busy till sometime in March.” What the hell?!

This upsets me because it indirectly affects my relationship with Jenny. She’s always down and sad because of this. This is not the girl I know/met and she doesn’t deserve to be constantly hurt. Because of her nature, people take advantage of her, push her around, treat her like shit, and she just takes it.

It came up again today and I straight up told her bluntly to stop waiting on the sidelines with open arms because her efforts are wasted on someone who don’t deserve it and tell Mary to go F herself next time they talk. I think deep down Jenny knows I’m right, but the way I approached it (I don’t sugarcoat) made her cry and now she’s all pissed at me. I apologized for my bluntness but told her it’s the honest truth. Am I in the wrong? Should I have stayed and stay out of it in the future? I just hate seeing her hurt by this person that obviously doesn’t care about her anymore.

I don’t even know why you’re writing to me; clearly you don’t need someone to give you advice when you’ve already come up with a great solution for basically every problem a person could have. Mother-in-law bothering you? Just tell her to go F herself! Boss asking too much of you? Tell him to go F himself! Kid down the street throwing his ball in your yard? Tell him to go F himself, too, that little F-er!

It’s very sweet that you care about Jenny and don’t want to see her hurting, but I think yelling at her and making her cry probably wasn’t the right way to go about fixing the problem. The main problem is that you think it’s somehow your responsibility to fix anything. Jenny got a text that said, “I’m busy until March,” and you really think she doesn’t know what’s going on? If they’ve been friends since childhood, you’re not going to be able to swoop in like a Knight in Go F Yourself Armor and save the day.

The problem isn’t that you were blunt, or didn’t do an adequate amount of sugarcoating—it’s that instead of lending a sympathetic ear or taking Jenny somewhere fun to cheer her up, you yelled at her. Sometimes a girl just doesn’t want to hear a big fat I TOLD YOU SO screamed in her face. Sometimes she just wants to complain a little and have her boyfriend say, “You’re right, that totally sucks, I see where you’re coming from, and I hate that you feel bad.”

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My employee faked sick. How do I get back at him?

February 24, 2010

One of my employees called in sick on Friday and it really messed me up. I had a ton of extra work to do because of him, I had to stay late on a Friday night, and I know for a fact he wasn’t sick. I’m pretty sure he went away for the weekend with his friends. How do I deal with this? I think I can go two ways: either be overly, borderline sarcastically concerned about his health, or I could be generally bitchy to him so he gets the hint that this behavior isn’t okay. What do you think?

I think you’re afraid to deal with this like a grown-up, and you’re hiding behind sarcasm and general bitchery because you’re too afraid to deal with this like an actual boss should.

I took one graduate-level class to see if I wanted to get my MBA, and since Passive-Aggressive Management Techniques That Play Up Ridiculous Stereotypes of Woman Managers was full, I took Financial and Managerial Accounting. So while I’m no expert, I can tell you this: deal with your employees in the most straight-forward, unemotional way possible. Instead of stomping around going apeshit on him for forgetting to wash his coffee mug, or getting all Whatever Happened to Baby Jane creepy about how much you care about him, just talk to him.

You can either be the kind of manager who people feel comfortable asking to take a day off, or you could be the kind of manager who inspires everyone to do their best and therefore would never head off to Vegas and leave their colleagues with a ton of work. The two options you’re working with don’t fit in either scenario; what would, I think, is saying, “Listen, what you do with your sick days is your business, but I’m guessing you took the day off to have fun. This might have been okay on another day, but Friday was really important because we had all that work to finish. In the future, I would appreciate it if you could be honest with me about your plans so I can figure out a way to make the schedule work for everyone.”

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Should I return my birthday present?

February 19, 2010

My husband got me a beautiful pair of diamond stud earrings for my birthday. He was especially proud of them and himself because he bought them at Tiffany. This is a big step for him because he’s usually reluctant to buy me anything other than inexpensive costume jewelry. I do know, however, that he could get the same quality for about half the price at a store I know in the city. Should I tell him this and return them, or should I keep my mouth shut?

Definitely return them. And the next time he takes you out to dinner, take three bites, throw your fork down in disgust, and drag him off to the grocery store where you can angrily point out that for a lot less money, he could have bought the ingredients and cooked himself.

I hate to perpetuate this whole ridiculous “men are simpletons” thing, where everyone just writes guys off as bumbling fools lumbering around town with their heads up their asses, thinking about nothing but football and boobies. But sometimes, I admit, they do need a gentle guiding hand and a little positive reinforcement. If he’s been shopping for your birthday gift at Family Dollar for the past few years, and he finally went to a real store and bought you some real jewelry, for the love of Christ, why on earth would you discourage him from doing that again? By pointing out that he spent too much, and went to the “wrong” store, you’re sending him a message that he made a mistake, and that he did it wrong, and you’ll probably scare the shit out of him to the point where he doesn’t try again. So if you want to spend the rest of your life wearing Made in China specials that he buys on the sidewalk, go ahead and take them back. Otherwise, say thank you, give him a great big hug and kiss, and enjoy them.

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My sister’s husband is a lecherous pig.

February 18, 2010

The other weekend my sister and her new husband came to visit. One night, my sister and I stayed home with my kids and my husband and her husband went out for a drink. When they were out, apparently her husband spent the whole time talking about how hot other women at the bar were. My husband kept changing the subject but he said it was really weird and uncomfortable. Should I tell my sister?

No.

Her husband is a disrespectful donkey’s butt (I’m trying to swear less during Lent, okay?), but he didn’t do anything wrong. The only thing he’s guilty of is being a total douchebag. It was inappropriate to say those things to your husband, but if he didn’t talk to or touch any of the women in the bar, it’s not worth causing a problem.

It’s possible that your sister knows that her husband is like this, and she doesn’t care, or at least realizes there’s nothing she can do about it. It’s best to keep your feelings to yourself. But once in a while, I think it’s totally fine to make that two-fingers-I’m-watching-your-horny-ass gesture to him behind your sister’s back. Or cut letters out of a magazine, ransom note-style, and send him a message once in a while that says, “Cheat on your wife, you bastard, and I’ll cut you.” It’ll keep him on his toes AND give you an artistic outlet.

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I need to break up with my hair stylist and I’m scared.

February 17, 2010

I have a problem. I need to break up with my hair stylist of 10 years. She’s nice, but prone to bitchy outbursts every few years, but it’s the scalp burnings I’ve received from her that have sent me over the edge. About a year and half ago, when I was dyeing my hair, her dye product gave me an allergic reaction that caused my forehead to swell (I kind of looked like the guy from Mask) and a rash to breakout on my scalp. I called her and told her the situation to which she responded curtly and didn’t even offer me my money back. After this incident, I kept going to her and we switched to highlights instead of all-over dye. I didn’t have any problems until a week ago when I got my hair highlighted. I have no idea how she got the dye on my scalp but she did and I was left with a similar result, but without the Mask like face swelling, thank god. It’s been a week and my head still itches!

I have a new stylist I can see, courtesy of my mother-in-law, so I’m ready to switch.  My question is, how do I break up with this lady?  Do I just cancel my appointment and never reschedule?  Do I tell her I’ve found someone else? To make matters worse, I friend-ed my stylist on Facebook a few months back.  Agh, blasted Facebook!

Thanks in advance,
“Scalped in Benicia”

You don’t have to break up with her, unless you’ve been making out with her on the side. Just cancel your appointment, keep her as your Facebook friend, and carry on with your life.

I worry about you a little bit, though…this woman BURNED YOUR SCALP and when you asked her about it, she was rude. And THEN you went back to her. This is your head! It’s your hair! Are you really willing to suffer third-degree burns in order to not hurt this person’s feelings? The choice here is to make your hair stylist feel good, or to make yourself feel good, and for whatever reason, you’re choosing her. Don’t do that anymore.

A year and a half ago I kept going to see this crazy maniac hair stylist because I didn’t want to hurt her feelings. And then I think one day she was drunk because she cut a HUGE hunk of hair out of the back of my head, and then chopped all the rest of my hair off to try and cover it up. When I went to a new stylist, she actually asked me, “What did you do to that woman that she hates you so much she’d do this to your hair?”

I learned the hard way so you don’t have to.

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He can’t commit, I broke it off, then I emailed him, and now I feel bad.

February 16, 2010

I’m acting really unfair toward a guy, but for some reason I feel like I’m the fool in this situation. I don’t understand how this all works. He can’t commit, and we went back and forth about it for months, so I finally called it off completely. But then I missed him and broke down a couple days ago and emailed him. He answered right away…and I didn’t write back. I’m being an asshole by not writing back to him but I think I’m a fool for emailing him in the first place.

What should I do?

This makes me think of that scene in Emma where Gwyneth Paltrow is all, “I love John! I hate John!” except for she’s standing in a field with a parasol looking fresh as a daisy and you’re hunched over your laptop all pasty and sad, eating Pringles and wondering why no one loves you.

Every person is capable of being in a great, well-functioning relationship. I’m sure you are, and I’m sure this guy is, but for whatever reason, you’re not functioning well together. I dated someone, on and off and on and off and on and then off and then on again for a little bit and back off, for approximately 50 years, and within six months of finally putting ourselves out of our misery, we both met the person we ended up marrying. We were completely ready and able to be mature adults; just not within a fifteen-mile radius of each other.

You’re not being an asshole. This guy is sort of being an asshole, but he’s only responding to your cues. He’s telling you, “I DON’T WANT TO HAVE AN EXCLUSIVE RELATIONSHIP WITH YOU,” and you’re hearing, “I totally want to have an exclusive relationship with you, I just need to be poked and prodded and convinced and seduced and pursued and led on and slapped in the face and then passionately kissed.” This is no Jane Austen novel. I assure you, it’s not going to end with a romantic letter written with a quill on parchment. It’s going to end with you not writing back, calling, texting, Twittering, Facebooking, telegramming, or Pony Expressing him anything. This isn’t being a jerk—it’s practicing self-preservation. Now go find someone else better. You can do it!

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Unsolicited Advice #18

February 15, 2010

To the people who end up at To Chea because they’ve done a Google search for “pregnant and can’t stop drinking”: Normally, I like to be funny about peoples’ problems, because most shitty things in life are generally also kind of funny, and joking about them makes life more bearable in general. But this, I’m afraid, is not funny, and I really am worried about you. It makes me heartsick to think that you’d like to stop drinking for the sake of your baby, but you can’t. I love a good jug of Chardonnay as much as the next girl, but please, pleasepleasepleaseplease, if you can’t stop, then it’s more than just a small issue: go talk to someone. Talk to your doctor or your priest or your husband or boyfriend or sister or a therapist or go to Planned Parenthood or Alcoholics Anonymous. No one is going to judge you. They want to help you. You don’t have to deal with this all by yourself.

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My kid’s friend is a criminal.

February 11, 2010

Last week my six year old lost a tooth and the tooth fairy left him five dollars in singles.  (I know, times are tough all over.)  My son left the money on his bedside table, as he is planning to buy something next time we go to Target.  A few days later his buddy came over to play.  As I was passing the bedroom I saw the friend holding the money.  He asked me how much money was there.  I told him “five dollars” and kept on going.  The next day as I was in making my son’s bed, I saw the money and upon counting it, noticed that a dollar was gone.

Admittedly I didn’t ransack the room looking for a dollar bill, but I have a sneaking suspicion that the friend may have “accidentally” put it in his pocket. What shall I do?  I know the parents well and also have been told in confidence from his mother that he has sticky fingers.

I know its only a dollar, but do I let it go and allow this boy to end up in juvie for shoplifting or shall I cause drama and let the parents know of my suspicions?

I think you should invite the boy over to your house again. Tell him there’s a pony and some cake in the back room, but actually make it pitch black in there except for a super bright spotlight shining on a small metal chair. Make him sit there and watch you stick pins into pictures of his mommy and the Easter Bunny until he starts crying and confesses.

You sound like a nice person, though, so perhaps instead you should just look around for the dollar bill. Be really thorough, and check with your son to make sure he didn’t lose it or do something with it. Then think about your motives. Would you tell the friend’s mom because you secretly think the kid is a little shit and you want him to get in trouble? Would you tell her because you’re friends and you know she’s worried about her kid’s kleptomania? Would you want to know if your son stole a dollar from her son?

It’s tricky talking to another mom about when her kid misbehaves. Once I was at the park and another mom was like, “EXCUSE ME, YOUR BOYS ARE KICKING EACH OTHER AND TRYING TO PUSH EACH OTHER DOWN THE STAIRS,” and then when I was like, “Oh, I know, I saw them,” she gave me a hairy eyeball and said, “Well, I could never watch my children hurt each other like that.” I now despise that woman for all eternity. She wasn’t minding her own business.

This, however, directly involves you and your son, and I think since you know the other parents well and she has confided in you about this issue already, you can say, “Sally, this isn’t a big deal and I don’t want you to think I’m angry or upset at all, but I’m pretty sure Bobby stole a dollar from Jimmy’s room. Jimmy doesn’t even know it’s missing, and I don’t want you to do anything about it for my sake; I just remember you telling me you were working on it with Bobby and I thought you might want to know.” If you can say this without a touch of self-righteousness, go for it.

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My sister is being mean so I didn’t invite her to my party.

February 10, 2010

My sister and I usually get along, but lately she’s been horrible to me. The last time we talked, she told me I wasn’t a priority in her life right now and that I need to stop being so self-absorbed. So I called and left her a message uninviting her to my birthday party. Was this the right thing to do or the wrong thing?

I hope you’re some sort of genius five-year-old who knows how to use the internet and has her own cell phone. A grown woman calling and taking back a birthday party invitation is just so stupid it makes my head hurt. To answer your question: you did the wrong thing.

It’s possible that you have valid reasons for being angry with each other, but it’s all overshadowed by the fact that you’re acting like a big fat baby and she seems to be furious at you for something you don’t even know you did. So, what you could do is throw your pink princess phone at her back while screaming at her to get out of your room, or make up a horrible nickname for her and tell everyone in school to call her that, or read her diary and tell your mom all the good parts, or wear her favorite shirt and spill chocolate milk all over it and then crumple it in a ball and leave it at the bottom of your locker for three months.

Or you could call her up and say, “I hate fighting with you. Can we please get together and talk this through? I never want anything to come between us.”

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