Archive for March, 2010

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I’m the breadwinner and I don’t like it.

March 31, 2010

When I first married my husband, he was working full-time. After a year, he got laid off and decided to go back to school to finish his bachelor’s degree. It will take him at least another two years, since today he found out it may take longer due to class scheduling issues.

I support us financially and will need to do so until he finishes his degree. He works part-time to help out a little with bills. I don’t have any other friends in this situation, so I’m curious if any other women out there support their husbands financially while they finish school. Is this common? I feel bad because I keep pressuring him to hurry up and finish, but it takes a long time. We have had several fights over this, mostly regarding the fact that I am supporting him and it is stressful.

The man is going to school full-time in order to provide better for your family in the future. He’s also working part-time to pay some of the bills. What else would yo like him to do? Maybe he could develop a meth habit so he can stay up for like six days at a time so he can get a full-time job and then do his homework at night while he’s twitching instead of sleeping.

I can’t figure out what your problem with him is. You’re stressed out because you don’t want to be the breadwinner? You want him to hurry up and become the breadwinner so he can be stressed out instead? 1950 was over about, oh, sixty years ago, so unless you were able to buy a time machine with your breadwinning salary, you can’t go back to the good old days when your husband provided for you and you stayed home with no birth control and 47 kids and Dora the Explorer (aka Dora the Babysitter) hadn’t been invented yet.

Marriage is a partnership. Sometimes, you have no job and no money and he takes care of you, and other times, he has no job and no money, and you take care of him. Sometimes, you both have tons of money and then you go to Aruba. Other times, neither of you is making any money, and you eat Ramen noodles under a pile of blankets so you don’t have to turn on the heat. This is life. Be nice. Deal with it.

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My coworker is cranky and it’s pissing me off.

March 26, 2010

My coworker is having a problem with something today. She has been slamming drawers, stomping around, sighing loudly, and drumming her fingers on her desk all morning. I think she’s upset about a work issue. We all get upset about issues at work. How much longer do I have to put up with this before I snap?

Go call her from a pay phone and pretend that you’re her neighbor and that you just ran over her cat with your car. Then, after she gets all upset, say, “Just kidding!” That will surely make her reevaluate her mood and make her so happy that she forgets about whatever was pissing her off earlier.

Or just go out and get her a mocha or some M&Ms from the snack machine and say, “It seems like you’re having a bad day. Maybe this will cheer you up!” I know you want to slam her hand in her desk drawer or “accidentally” pull out a chunk of hair as you walk by, but you’ll get much better results by being nice and sympathetic.

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How do I know if he’s The One?

March 25, 2010

I’ve been dating my boyfriend for almost three months.  He’s great and is good for me in the sense that he is a strong support system and guides me.  I love being with him and miss him when we are not together.

However, at the age of 28 I don’t ever want to waste time on a dating relationship that’s not going to eventually turn into marriage.  So of course I am thinking ahead wondering if he is “the one” for me and whatnot.  I don’t feel like I am quite in love with him, even though my feelings for him are strong.

He told me recently that his feelings for me are leveling out because of some ways I have acted towards him.  I have had some problems with my mood lately and have started arguments that have been pointless. I have, though, been getting better and handling things way better.  Basically he told me he is going to see what happens and is living day by day.  He says he wants to get married, but right now he is not saying when or to who.

We haven’t slept together yet.  He wants to, and so do I…but I want to wait until I know we’re really in love. He understands and wants to wait until I’m ready, but I feel like if I don’t soon enough he might say goodbye.  He’s 27 by the way. Is it too soon or soon enough or what?  I’m so confused as to how long you date someone before you know it’s love.

My boyfriend before him said I love you after 7 months, but I was 23 at the time.  I’m 28 now. Time is wasting.

Should I just let him go and keep looking?

I don’t think you should be considering sleeping with someone you don’t want to sleep with just because you’re afraid he might break up with you if you don’t. I also think you’re exhausting. You’re all over the place. You like him but you’re not quite in love with him, you love being with him but you don’t love him enough to think he’s “the one,” plus you’re being an irrational pain in the ass to him for pretty much no reason whatsoever. I’m sort of surprised he’ll even take your phone calls.

Time is wasting for you, yes. It’s wasting in the sense that you’re spending it all worrying about stupid stuff like whether or not this guy is going to propose to you, even though you’ve said yourself you’re not even sure you like him enough to tell him you love him.

Dating can be fun. Sure, there are times when you’re lonely and eating a whole pie while you wait for your phone to ring, but there are also times when you’re out and having fun in a great dress and you feel like everyone in the whole world is in love with you. I think you should stop thinking about anything more than a two-week window with this guy. As long as you’re having fun, and enjoying him, don’t think past two weeks. If it’s getting boring or stressful or you’re not sure you like him, break up with him.

I’m sorry to say this, but there’s so such thing as The One. I mean, you’ll meet someone, you’ll fall in love with him, and hopefully you’ll get married and have kids and a wonderful life together, but it’s not like there’s some cosmic force that’s ordained one person—and one person only—for you. And you’re kind of ruining all the fun by fretting about it. Live your life, and spend time with people you enjoy, and stop being such a psycho.

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My husband told me to lose five pounds. May I kill him?

March 23, 2010

My husband recently told me that if I lost five pounds, I would be “really hot.” I’m well within a healthy weight range for my height and eat well and exercise regularly. I’m a size six. Should I murder him or try and lose a little weight to make him happy?

Oh, no need to murder him, because I’ve already used my patented To Chea Douchebag-Killing Thoughts of Death on him and he’s done for. And don’t you dare lose an ounce or I’ll use them on you, too.

My husband and I have known each other for about a hundred years, and have been together as a couple for about 50 of those hundred. During this time my weight has ranged from approximately three pounds to about 3,000 pounds. I’ve shopped for clothes for myself at every store from the baby Gap to Muumuus R Us. I’m sure that at some points in my life I’ve looked better than others (that period when I needed a Rascal to get out to the mailbox was pretty depressing), but that sweet man has NEVER said a single word about it. Possibly because he’s afraid that if he does, I’ll rip his head off, deep-fry it, dip it in Ranch dressing and have it for lunch, but probably because he’s kind and loving and loves me for who I am, not how I look.

You deserve this, too. All women do. I mean, if you need a crane to get you out of bed in the morning, then sure, listen to your husband when he says something about your weight. But any man who tells you that your size-six body would need to be smaller in order to be “hot” is a controlling dickface who wants to hammer down on your self-esteem to keep you in a bad place. Laugh it off all you want, or tell yourself he’s just being honest, but the truth remains: he deliberately said something hurtful to make you doubt yourself, feel self-conscious, and feel unattractive, unwanted, and unloved.

I don’t know if he says things like this often, or if this was a one-time blunder of epic proportions, but you need to make sure that it doesn’t happen again. Whether it’s a firm discussion (please see aforementioned head-frying comment) or something more intense like couples counseling is up to you. But I wouldn’t let this slide. I would probably, actually, sit down in front of him tonight with a Costco-sized birthday cake and slowly but surely eat every bite with a meat fork while smiling at him. That’s an f-you that tastes good.

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Why did he text instead of call?

March 18, 2010

What does your gut tell you: I’m in a new relationship. “Doug” said he would call me yesterday. He texted me at 10 o’clock last night to tell me that he was completely swamped with work and that he had no chance to call. I’m okay with that, because I had a busy day, too, but I’m wondering…why did he send me a text instead of giving me a quick call? I think it’s a bad sign.

My gut tells me two things: first, that I need to go find a little something sweet to eat with my coffee this morning. And second, that you need to just calm yourself down about 47 notches.

Why would he call you to tell you he couldn’t call you? Why would a person do this? That’s like stopping by to say you don’t have time to stop by. Or writing a long, passionate letter describing how you’re so busy you have no time to write a long, passionate letter. He said it himself—he was busy. I think it was nice of him to take the time to let you know he was thinking about you and didn’t want to leave you hanging.

You need to either up your nightly dosage of wine, cool it on the Adderall, or have a little more self-confidence. Or maybe all three.

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My friend made my family pray. And we don’t even believe in God.

March 17, 2010

A few nights ago I had a friend over for dinner, and out of nowhere she grabbed my hand and led my family in prayer. The thing is… we’re atheists. When at her house, I have no problem bowing my head and respecting her rules, but I’m uncomfortable with the fact that she did this at my home. If she wants to take a moment to herself to prayer at my table, that’s okay too; I just don’t like being pressured into following someone else’s supernatural beliefs in my own home. Why should someone else’s pre-meal rituals trump mine? What should I do if this situation arises again–with her or another religious friend?

No one’s rituals trump anything, so don’t get your panties all in a wad over it. I think we should operate under the assumption that it’s just a habit for your friend to pray before dinner. And let’s say that even if she was trying to make a point, her point was that Jesus loves you, not that she wanted to ruin your dinner and make you feel uncomfortable.

That said, there’s no reason for your family to pray if you don’t believe in it, and since you guys are friends, she probably knows you’re an atheist. She probably just doesn’t care; often, people who are captains on the God Squad feel like it’s their duty to make you see the error of your ways. I think you can be kind, non-defensive, and mellow about it. The next time you talk to her, don’t make a big deal out of it, just say, “I know you meant well, but I felt pretty uncomfortable the other night when we all prayed before dinner. I don’t mind if you do it privately before we eat, but it was really weird for us to pray when it’s just not something we do.”

If it arises again with another religious friend at dinner, just clam it at the time and bring it up in the exact same way later. Chastising people or starting a religion fight over your nicely prepared coq au vin is just as rude as making other people give thanks for it when they don’t want to.

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How do I back out of wedding party duties?

March 15, 2010

So here is my dilemma. I got asked by one of my friends to be her personal attendant in her wedding which is taking place at the beginning of May. I, of course, accepted. Well, come to find out, I had it in my head that I was supposed to graduate from college the first weekend in May. Recently one of my family members asked for the exact date and time of my graduation because my WHOLE family is wanting to attend to watch me get my diploma. Well, uh-oh, when I looked up the time and date I realized that my graduation is the EXACT same day as my friend’s wedding. If I went to school close to home it wouldn’t be any big deal, but my school is six hours away from where she is getting married and there is no way I would be able to do both.

Now, here is a little tidbit about my friend. She is one of those friends that only comes around when she really needs to vent to me about something terrible going on in her life or when things are going REALLY well in her life. In fact, she once went six months without returning my calls. We used to be really close and over the past few years we have really lost touch and don’t really talk much anymore. So, as you can probably figure out, it is a little more important to me to go to my graduation, especially when my whole family is planning on attending and I believe I am going to be graduating with honors for good grades. (And my parents would be pretty angry if I didn’t walk at my graduation!) Now the question is, how do I tell my friend?

I just looked up the duties of a personal attendant, since I’ve never heard of such a thing in my life, and I think you should be jumping up and down with glee that you got out of it. It sounds like the worst job EVER, and exactly like the kind of thing someone who secretly hates you would want you to do. It’s like, “I don’t want you to actually be a bridesmaid, so I’m going to throw you a bone with this ridiculous bullshit.”

Some people hate being a bridesmaid, but I totally love it. It’s fun. Being a personal attendant sounds shitty.

“Help the bride transport her attire.” Well, that’s just asking for trouble. Since I didn’t even make it to my own wedding without trudging through what could only have been a large-scale ocean-liner-crash sort of oil spill, I don’t think touching anyone else’s wedding dress, EVER, is a good idea. That’s begging to get blamed for something.

“Holding a touch-up emergency bag for the bride.” I ask you, if you’re holding that bag all night, how are you going to hold your champagne glass, cigar, and the hand of the groom’s second cousin from Finland? You can’t. Something’s going to have to go, and I think it’ll have to be the stupid touch-up emergency bag.

“Fielding messages for the bride at home and the ceremony site so she isn’t interrupted for every little thing.” Yeah, don’t do that. It’s just going to make everyone mad at you, and also, that means you’re going to be interrupted for every little thing, and who wants to spend their day like that?

Call her up (no text, email, or voicemail) and say: “Oh, Judy, I was so honored and touched that you wanted me to be your personal attendant, but unfortunately that’s the same day as my graduation. I’m such a ditz; I thought they were two different weekends. I’m sorry I can’t do it, but thank you so much for thinking of me. I know you’ll have a wonderful day and be a beautiful bride.” Judy will probably have a hissy fit, but who cares…you’ll be drinking champagne and dancing the night away with your friends and family to celebrate the amazing thing YOU accomplished, not spending the night as Judy’s errand girl.

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How much freedom should a 9-year-old have?

March 12, 2010

My husband and I disagree about how much freedom our daughter should have. He thinks that our 9-year-old should be able to walk or bike home (half a mile and we do live in a safe neighborhood) from school by herself, walk to friends’ houses, go to the park with friends and no adult. I disagree and think it should be a closed case, as pretty much no one else lets their kids do that anyway. He thinks that I’m giving in to a society that shelters kids way too much and gives in to fear-mongering media. What do you think?

I think it’s possible that you’re giving in to society that shelters your kids, but I also think, who gives a shit if you give in? Last week I stood there and watched while my husband not only ALLOWED, but ENCOURAGED, my teeny tiny little children to ski into a vast forested cavern the size of the Grand Canyon. It freaked me the frick out, but of course they both emerged in one piece, happy and with a nice boost to their self-confidence. But still, if I had a time machine and could go back and make myself in charge, there’s no way in hell I would have let them ski down there, because I just wasn’t comfortable with it.

You could be a crazy helicopter mom; I don’t know. Do you make your kids wear helmets at the playground in case they bonk their head on the slides? (Oh, yes, there are people I know who do this.) Then you might want to ease up a bit. But a nine-year-old walking home from school alone seems scary to me. Safe neighborhoods don’t have signs at the edges of them saying, ATTENTION KIDNAPPERS: THIS IS A SAFE NEIGHBORHOOD, SO YOU JUST SKEDADDLE ON OUT OF HERE.

I just want to know what your husband’s hurry is. If one of you has the time and inclination to walk her to her friend’s house, or sit at the park and read while she plays, then why not do that? I mean, say you let her go—wouldn’t you secretly follow her to school, or give her a cell phone and make her talk to you the entire time she’s walking, or install hidden cameras on all the light posts in the park?

Tell your husband if he’d like to get rid of the fear-mongering media, he can go stage a sit-in outside the Fox News office, not let his kids wander around town unsupervised.

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How do I explain my illness to people without bumming everyone out?

March 11, 2010

I have an unusual situation, and I was hoping you could help.  I normally am fairly adept at advising myself, but am clueless as to how to handle this. Up until about five months ago, I was the operator of a very successful retail business in a small-ish town.  I was also active in PTA and other community programs.  It would be safe to say that many people in town know me by name.

I have been diagnosed with a spinal disorder that has left me hobbled with pain and unable to work.  I am fortunate enough to be able to care for my kiddos and occasionally go out shopping, to dinner, etc.  The problem is, when people see me, they are very taken aback (I have put on weight from the medications, and use a cane).

My close friends and family know the details of my problem, but I don’t like reciting all the horrifying details to strangers…it depresses them and me.  I know people are concerned, and interested.  How do I handle these people?  What can I say when people ask what’s happened?

You should meet the town crier out for coffee and tell her. You know who she is—that one “friend” who, when she hears bad news, immediately excuses herself to go to the bathroom, takes her phone with her, and then hides in the toilet stall texting everyone she knows, “OMG did u know Jane has spinal disorder omg she’s chubby and has a cane.” She’ll definitely take care of it for you in about ninety seconds.

I know some people blurt this kind of stuff out on Facebook, or a group email, which I guess you could do, but I have a strict policy against discussing any actual life problems in a public forum like that, and it sounds like it’s not really your style either. The good side of a big announcement is that it makes quick work of your explanation and doesn’t require further discussion; the downside is that you seem somewhat attention-whorish, which should be avoided at all costs.

Since you seem pretty comfortable with your illness (or at least the fact that you have it), it’s best to address it immediately, with a quick, relaxed explanation, and then move on to another topic. “So nice to see you again! I must look different, since it’s been so long…I recently found out I have a degenerative disc disease, so I just got this cute little cane. Luckily it doesn’t interfere with my Crochet Club activities too much, so I’m still very busy with that. What have you been up to?” This way, you don’t have to force people to ask, and you don’t sound like you’re screaming out for sympathy (I HAVE A SPINAL DISORDER, WOE IS ME, you should have seen the terrible things they had to do to get a diagnosis…this one time they stuck a needle the size of a space shuttle in my ass…). You’ll just seem like the nice, polite, unassuming person that you are.

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I can’t pay attention at work because I want to be home with my kids.

March 10, 2010

I seem to have lost my work mojo. I show up, do the bare minimum, and phone in the rest. How do I get inspired and refocused? I am the breadwinner in my family, and there is no scenario possible that will allow me to quit my job and stay home, yet all I do all day is kid-related stuff from my office. My body is here, but my head isn’t.

I’m looking at your grass, and it’s so, so, so green. The pressure to provide for your family must be enormous, and I know what a luxury it is to spend time at home with my kids and just work when I feel like it, but really…I have a fantasy. In it, I wake up in the morning and get dressed in something that’s not yoga pants, and while the kids are screaming at each other over who gets the blue bowl and who had the orange cup yesterday, I leave. I drive without listening to the Imagination Movers or anyone begging to watch a movie, and I listen to NPR and drink hot coffee out of a travel mug and nod in agreement whenever Renee Montagne and Steve Inskeep say something I totally agree with. I also go out to lunch, and people tell me how great of a job I’m doing and any time there’s anything crusty on my shirt I can rest easy in the knowledge that I put it there, and that it’s probably not a booger. You really are lucky in a lot of ways, you know.

Anyone who phones it in at work for an extended period of time is going to suffer some consequences, especially these days, since I’m sure there are about 9,000 people out there who are willing to do your job with a lot more enthusiasm and for a lot less money. I should think your employer would be more than happy to replace your slacking, online-pajama-shopping, potty-training-researching self with one of those desperate unemployed people you hear about on the news every single day.

You could always motivate yourself to look for a new job (they’re still out there, if you’re in the right place or the right time) that you might enjoy more, but until then, let the thought of your unemployed self sitting at home with your kids and your husband in the dark eating ramen noodles and selling off your furniture, piece by piece, on Craigslist, be your motivation for now.

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