My visa is expiring, and now he doesn’t want to marry me like he said he would.

My boyfriend and I are in our late twenties, and have been living together for two years and dating for over three. My problem is that I am here with a student visa. I was completely honest and told him from the start of our relationship that my time in the United States would be limited due to my visa restrictions, and he said he understood and we decided to continue building our life together anyway. I enrolled in, and am about to finish graduate school, and will have to leave the country when I am finished, unless I can manage to find a job that will enable me to work here legally, or else we get married.

Right before I started studying for my graduate degree, my boyfriend and I did have the marriage conversation, in which he said that he didn’t feel he was ready at that moment and that he needed more time but he said he did see himself marrying me in the future. I was sad that he felt he needed more time but I accepted this and decided not to pressure the issue. The time to make a decision has returned.

I talked to my boyfriend about getting married as that would make things easier for us; we love each other and we both had said it was the next step in our relationship. Getting married would also mean that I can get a full time job here. He said that getting married would feel like a rushed decision based on my visa expiring and that is a lot of pressure to put on someone else. I don’t understand this since he knew from the beginning this is not a normal situation where he’d have all the time in the world for him to make up his mind. 

I am heartbroken and cry every time I think about the way he feels. He is very visibly sad and asked if there was any other way I could stay, that he doesn’t want me to go but his words at this point are meaningless when it is obvious he is not willing to help me stay here with him. I do truly think he loves me but am I wrong to think that obviously he doesn’t love me enough to marry me?

No. You’re absolutely right. If someone loves you and wants to marry you, they generally say, “I love you, let’s get married.” They don’t say, “Hey, let’s go to the movies on Friday…what’s that? You’re getting deported on Thursday? Bummer. I guess I’ll call Dan and see if he wants to go instead.”

This guy may love you, but he doesn’t want to marry you. He is not going to marry you. He is going to throw you a going-away party and promise to come visit you and he’ll wave a white hanky at you from the docks as you wear a polka-dot dress and a straw hat and sail off on a giant ship into your future, but you’ll never see him again.

You have every right to be furious, and deeply saddened, and to feel lied to and cheated and to want to slash his tires and go out and get herpes just so you can give it to him. (I don’t really recommend those last two things, so don’t do that. I think they’re both against the law, right?) But you’ve been given a fresh start. You have a shiny new master’s degree, the opportunity to return to your country with an amazing experience under your belt, and some years away from home to give you better perspective on where you want to live and what kind of person you want to end up with.

If I were you I’d break it off, move out, put my stuff in storage, and use my remaining time in the U.S. to go on a kick-ass road trip with a really fun friend.

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1 Comment

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One response to “My visa is expiring, and now he doesn’t want to marry me like he said he would.

  1. Anonymous

    This post is a year old but I am EXACTLY on the same boat. I am madly in love with a man who isn’t willing to marry me because he is scared. I don’t know how to deal with this, it is horrible and very painful. One day I will heal, I want to think everything will be ok.

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