Some quick-fire advice in honor of Mother’s Day.

My mother is always making passive-aggressive comments about my weight. How can I get her to stop?

You can’t. She can’t help herself. You’re too fat. Also, get your hair out of your eyes and please tell me you’re not wearing that out of the house. Go back and change. And wear a girdle.

I feel like now that we have children, my mother-in-law should let us have Mother’s Day alone, to celebrate the fact that I’m a mother. I’m sick of sharing but my husband won’t tell her we’re going to have brunch just as a family. Shouldn’t he tell his mom we’re going to celebrate her Mother’s Day on Saturday?

HAHAHAHAHAHAHA. No. It’s kind of cute, really, that you think that’s possible. Did you just get married yesterday?

I just found out I’m pregnant and am trying to think of a fun way to let my husband and our families know. Do you have any suggestions?

Yes. Say, “I’m pregnant.”

It’s news enough. No need to rent the Goodyear blimp to broadcast it, or print M&Ms that say, “Julie’s Knocked Up!” or put a package of hamburger buns in the oven, point frantically, and wait around for three hours while everyone tries to figure out what the hell you’re doing.

I’m dizzy thinking of all the attention-whoring you’re going to be doing for the next 40 weeks. I have to go lie down.

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