Kiss this.

I hate kissing. Every time we go to a party or out to dinner with friends or even to the park with our kids on Saturday, there’s someone there who isn’t content with a mere hello. No, we can’t shake hands…we kiss. On the cheek. Sometimes both cheeks. It’s disgusting and the only thing worse than this is the full-body hug, which thankfully has gone out of style.

The next time someone goes in for the kiss, just before you touch your cheek to hers, stick out the tip of your tongue a tiny but and give her a quick lick. Not a full-tongued slurp, just a little flick that could be mistaken for wet lips. She won’t want to be rude and wipe it off, and it’ll just sit there, damp and uncomfortable on her cheek until she’s alone and can Purell her face. The next time you run into her, I bet all you get is a friendly wave.

Another option is to having regular, dramatic coughing fits, with a couple fake sneezes and some dry heaves thrown in. No one will want to kiss you then, either.

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