Would you like a copy of my tax return?

My husband is unemployed right now and I’m a stay-at-home-mom. When people ask where my husband works, sometimes I say, “Nowhere,” and sometimes I say, “He used to work as an accountant but got laid off in January.” Neither response seems to fend off the next question, which I hate, which is, “How are you paying for things?” or “Do you have a lot of money saved up?” or “What are you going to do if he doesn’t get another job?” Even when posed with the best of intentions, these questions seem rude and prying and I wish there were a way to prevent them from being asked.

Oh, come on. This is awesome! It presents so many opportunities for messing with people. If you can maintain a straight face during the delivery, I have some ideas for you.

1. He’s been pimping me out at the 7-11 on Saturday nights. It’s been nice because we get a babysitter and go out for a drink afterward, and it’s become a great date night for us.

2. My parents “accidentally” (finger quotes are perfect here) passed away and I inherited some money.

3. We’ve been stealing prescription drugs from peoples’ medicine cabinets at parties and selling them to the teenager who lives next door.

4. We started a Ponzi scheme. (Pause for a second.) By the way, I heard about an amazing investment opportunity the other day…are you interested?

5. We pretend on Craigslist to have a baby available for adoption, then we skip town with the money that parents give us for medical expenses. Hopefully he’ll find another job before the money from that dries up!

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