It’s graduation time! Kill me now.

My cousin invited me to her daughter’s high school graduation. It sounds incredibly boring and it’s really hot out this time of year. Do I have to go?

No. Just buy the graduate a bottle of Ketel One and she’ll forgive you for missing the ceremony. Buy her mother a bottle of Ketel One and she’ll forgive you for skipping an important moment in her daughter’s life and then illegally giving her vodka.

What’s an appropriate gift for a college graduate?

A job. Or a shiny new key chain for him so he can put the key to his parents’ basement on it, because that’s where he’ll be living if you don’t give him a job. Or a case of Cup O Noodles. Recent college graduates love those. Or a bottle of vodka.

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