Happy July 4! Don’t blow your hand off, please.

My boyfriend is a complete idiot and sets off all these illegal fireworks every year on the Fourth of July. In the past, he’s set our shrubs on fire, come extremely close to losing a thumb, and almost killed our neighbor’s dog. When I try to talk sense into him and see if we can just do some sparklers and maybe a couple bottle rockets, he accuses me of being no fun, controlling, and irrationally worried. I’m so afraid he’s going to cause an accident!

I feel your pain. It’s like, the more you fret and beg and warn, the more they want to blow shit up.

It’s best to make yourself a delicious drink, preferably one that involves gin, and drink it up fast. Then have 3 more, and stay away from the pyromaniac for the rest of the night. If your boyfriend comes to the back door with a bloody stump where his hand used to be, offer to hold the phone for him while he uses his good hand to call 911 and explain what a freaking dumbass he is.

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