My husband watches sports all weekend. I’m not a fan.

Football season is starting soon and I’m already angry and annoyed with my husband. There’s no way I would ever wake up on a Saturday morning and inform him that there were 4 movies I wanted to watch that day, so he should plan his day around them. I wouldn’t do it because it’s selfish and because there’s no way he would let me get away with it. So why is it okay for him to watch football all weekend long? Why can’t I put a limit on the football watching without coming across like a total bitch?

I think you should wake up on a Saturday morning and watch four movies. I think you should watch Love Actually, Dirty Dancing, Monkeybone, and A Room With a View. When your husband comes in the room, don’t make eye contact, shush him every time he tries to talk to you, and hold up your hand if he keeps talking and say, “Gimme a minute, this is a really important part.” Then, for no apparent reason, scream WOOOOOOOOOOHOOOOOOOOOOOO and knock over a bowl of popcorn. Then ask him to get you the Dustbuster but instead of sucking up the popcorn kernels with it, pretend you’re giving yourself a haircut with a Flowbee, laugh for ten minutes about how funny you are, scream WOOOOOOOHOOOOOOOO again, and then forget to clean up. Also, drink beer all day.

This will probably put things into perspective for him.

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