Back to school!

My kids don’t want to ride the bus to school, but I don’t particularly feel like getting dressed in the morning and driving them. They say it’s embarrassing to ride the bus and that I’m ruining their lives. What do you think…should I drive them?

Yes. Totally drive them. Don’t wear pants, and wear one of those t-shirts that has the shape of a busty woman wearing a bikini on it. Wear a winter hat with ear flaps and a pair of stilettos, insist on kissing and hugging them good-bye and holding hands while you walk them into school, and I’m fairly certain they’ll be waiting at the bus stop at 5 am tomorrow.

I’m a college freshman and I moved into the dorm 5 days ago. I hate my roommate and I want to get a new room, but my parents and my RA are telling me to stick it out for the semester. I really, really hate her. What should I do?

You will never be friends with the stupid cow, so move out. Do whatever you can to make it happen: plant drugs in her underwear drawer, go get a highly infectious disease that requires you to live alone, or sleep with her boyfriend. Whatever works.

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