I’m a good actor, but not that good.

I’m an actor and I have a kissing scene with the smelliest guy. He’s hot, and I was really looking forward to smooching him (in a professional capacity, of course) until I got close to him. He reeks of onions and cigarettes and something musty that I don’t want to explore the origins of. Is there a nice way to tell him to shower and wear clean clothes? I actually can’t believe no one else has ever brought this up to him before.

“Oh, Brad Pitt, I’m so concerned about grossing you out that I showered twice today before I came to work. I’m sure the fact that I reek of Irish Spring is going to burn the hairs right out of your nose, but one time I had a kissing scene with someone after I ate a pastrami on rye and I was mortified when he told me I smelled like mustard so since then, I’ve been really really really super anal about smelling good. It’s silly, right? Can you smell me? I know it’s weird but just give me a little sniff. Oh, thanks. Good thing everyone here is really into smelling good and being clean!”

If he doesn’t take the hint, stuff little wads of Kleenex up your nose.

Or surreptitiously spray him with Febreeze.

Or just use your best acting skills and try to draw from the fact that hate and love are two very similar emotions. You love the way he smells like mothballs and anchovies!

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