My friend is getting married without a wedding. Boo. Hiss.

A great friend just got engaged! Yay!  She claims to have some ill-advised plan to either have no wedding or have one in Morocco and not allow any one to join in the fun.  Boo.  How can I convince her that she needs to throw a great big wedding so that we can all celebrate and drink too much champagne and dance to “Celebrate” even though we hate that song?  Will simple badgering work?  I am willing to do that and more.

Your friend sounds like she’s a real dick.

Everyone knows that a wedding isn’t for the bride and groom. It’s for everyone else. I love weddings. As a matter of fact, I’m going to a wedding this weekend, and I’m completely psyched about it. Sure, the bride is probably having a mental breakdown right about now because the roses for her cake look more mauve than pink, and her cousin got to New York on Tuesday, immediately got drunk, and has been threatening to do the limbo naked during the reception, but that’s not my problem. I have a cute outfit and am looking forward to having cocktails with friends I haven’t seen in a long time, and I’ll probably dance to “YMCA” and “Let’s Hear It For the Boy” even though the bride and groom will be crying in their champagne, wishing there was a Grateful Dead cover band on stage.

Weddings are a real pain in the ass, but they’re also a great opportunity to gather together all the people you love best (and who love you the best!) and let them spend a weekend drinking on your tab and letting you know how much you mean to them. I sure am glad I’m not friends with, or related to, your friend. Because she sounds selfish and horrible and I think you should stalk, wheedle, needle, poke, beg, threaten, guilt-trip, pester, annoy, hound, and yes, badger her until she changes her mind.

Let me know if you need help. I can be very persuasive.

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