If I have a crush on a coffee shop clerk, can you give me some good DOs and DON’Ts for asking her out?
As a former barista, I sure can. I’ll start with the don’ts.
- ask for a stupid complicated drink because you’re trying to impress her with your knowledge of coffee. She’ll just think you’re a pain in the ass for asking for non-foamy-foam and half-soy half-decaf half-fat milk.
- make ANY kind of sexual reference to ANY item in the coffee shop. No, “I love how you grind those beans. You’re a really good grinder.“ No, “How soft are those muffins? I love soft muffins. Can I pinch them?” No, “Do you like your coffee strong and black?” (Especially if you are strong and black. Actually, especially if you’re not strong and black.)
- hold her up with your supposedly witty banter while you’re paying and there’s a line of 14 people behind you.
- do anything creepy like sit at a table close to the cash register, stare at her, and lick your lips repeatedly and enthusiastically while she works.
- ask her any personal questions (Do you have a boyfriend? What’s your bra size? Where do you live? No, I already know you live at 46 Grove Street, I just can’t figure out what floor you live on.)
- repeatedly ask her out if she says no, or keep going in her coffee shop and making weird girlish mopey faces at her every time you order coffee thereafter.
- tip her outrageously. Asking her out after that could make her feel hookerish.
- ask her out if you have nice, normal conversations and she seems like she enjoys talking to you, not like she’s being nice to you just like she’s being nice to every other customer because that’s her job.
- be subtle and normal about it. When she has a lull, is all by herself, and seems happy to talk to you, say, “Hey, that band we were talking about is playing next week. Want to go?” Or give her your card when you pay your bill and say, “I’d love to take you to a movie some time. Give me a call if you’d like to go.”