Someone stole mini hamburgers from our party. Should I send her a nasty email?

We had an anniversary party for my parents the other day, and since then almost all discussion has revolved around the actions of one woman. She is the wife of one of my dad’s friends who he hasn’t seen in years. She was generally rude to me and my family throughout the evening, but things really got crazy when dessert was served.

She somehow managed to get a box from the catering staff, and started loading it up with chocolate-covered strawberries. She’d make a trip to the dessert table, pick up three or four, put them in her box, and repeat. She must have taken at least 15 – 20 of them, and many people did not get any, including both my parents. After seeing this a few times, I mentioned it to my mother. She decided to play it a little passive-aggressive, and asked the woman if she’d like to take any food home.

The woman played dumb, wondering how she’d transport it home, and wherever could she get a box? When one was brought to her by the staff, she demanded a larger one, and immediately started loading it up, including an entire tray of 12 miniature hamburgers. She must have walked off with well over $100 worth of food. I stepped outside, and when I returned I saw her and her husband on the way out. She asked her husband if they should say goodbye, he said nah, and they walked out into the night with loads of our delicious, expensive foodstuffs.

I wish I had said something then, or grabbed the box of strawberries and triumphantly returned them to the party. Although people have been joking about this ever since, I’m actually really angry about it. Some people have even suggested it ended the party early, as once people saw her grabbing food, the frenzy for leftovers was officially on.

I have her email address, and my parents have made it clear these people have worn out their welcome and will not be invites to any future events. Should I send the nasty email I’ve been composing in my head ever since?

You have to admit it: this is funny. I mean, come on…you wanted to mug her in your parents’ driveway and steal back the food she took? “Triumphantly returned them to the party?” I imagine you sweating and breathing heavily, hoisting a large box of fruit over your head and bellowing in victory like William Wallace. And she brazenly took off with an entire box of miniature hamburgers! I’m sorry, but that’s the funniest thing to steal. Mini hamburgers! “They walked out into the night with loads of our delicious, expensive foodstuffs!” You’re funny. I don’t know if you mean to be, but you’re really funny. “The frenzy for leftovers!” Who the hell takes leftovers home from a party? I’d rather die than take leftovers home from someone’s party. Are your parents friends with a pack of wild hyenas?

Your mom kind of opened herself up to the hamburger caper, anyway, by asking the hamburgler if she wanted to take some home; anyone who would steal food from a party isn’t going to be shamed with passive-aggressiveness into keeping her mitts of the mini meat.

I have a long list of nasty emails in my head, and occasionally I edit them and add an interesting new insult (it would be really fun to write her an email and address her as “Donkey Balls” the whole time, wouldn’t it?) or perfectly succinct way of explaining to my enemy what a complete and utter twit bag she is. This includes the woman who recently backed out of our lease agreement and left me homeless about thirty seconds before my baby is due, the woman who overcharged me for baggage at the airport, couldn’t figure out how to refund my money, and finally gave up, saying, “This is kind of retarded, isn’t it?” It also includes the entire customer service and engineering staff at who refuse to replace my Kindle, which spontaneously exploded for no reason whatsoever.

But I digress.

Nasty emails don’t do anything but stir up shit, and I think this woman is kooky enough that it’s not going to get through to her. Better to just see it as the totally hilarious incident that it was, and not allow it to ruin the memory of what I’m sure was an otherwise lovely party.

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