My boyfriend is a big fat baby.

My friend invited me and my boyfriend to a party. My ex-husband is also invited. I was up front with my boyfriend about this fact, and said that if he didn’t want to go, I understood…but that I really would like to go to the party. My boyfriend is now upset with me that I would even ask him if we could go, and is also upset that the friend who is throwing the party is still friends with my ex. I don’t actively keep in touch with my ex, but our relationship ended amicably and there are no hard feelings on either end. So was I wrong to even bring this up to my boyfriend? Should I not have even broached the subject of attending a party that my ex-husband might go to? My boyfriend seems to think so, and I’m confused.

Your boyfriend is a baby and I think you should break up with him.

And when I say “baby,” I mean two things: one, that he’s immature, and two, that he uses any means necessary to keep you close to him with all of your attention focused on his wonderfulness.

I speak with authority here, because I have a baby. He’s possibly the best baby in the entire universe, but like all babies, he really, really likes attention. In fact, this baby likes attention and company more than any other baby I’ve ever met, including the 17 other babies I have, who are now a little bit older and only want me when they’re hungry or I want to watch a DVRed episode of the Real Housewives. My baby, when put down or left to his own devices for a minute so I can make breakfast or go to the bathroom or rest my arms, will immediately start screaming bloody murder the second his tush hits the floor. He hollers like he’s been abandoned in the woods for forty days and forty nights, instead of placed gently on a cushy rug with a giant pile of toys purchased just for his amusement. He wails like his diaper’s on fire until I rush back from whatever I was doing, pick him up, smooch him, and reassure him that I was only gone for eight seconds and that I love him more than anyone else in the whole world.

My baby is allowed to do this because he’s a baby. Your baby is a grown man who knows better, and is trying to control you. My baby has a biological imperative that causes him to behave this way, lest I wander away from our cave and go gather nuts and forget that I left him in his little cave baby outfit to be eaten by bears. Your baby has nothing to worry about–you have a nice, remote, mature relationship with your former spouse–but he’s actually attacking you for being honest and giving him the heads up that your ex might be there. I think you handled it just fine, and I think he’s the one making a big deal out of nothing.

I suspect that he’s like this in a lot of other situations. Maybe you should think about that.

1 Comment

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One response to “My boyfriend is a big fat baby.

  1. Anonymous

    Do you actually have 18 babies?

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