I don’t have guy friends. Should I go find some?

Is it normal to be a female and not have many close guy friends? Do I need to actively pursue platonic friendships with men, and make some close guy friends? I’m talking about the type of guy friend you call up to “hang out” and watch a movie, or whatever else it is that girls with guy friends do with them.

I have a nice group of girl friends; not many, maybe four, but I like them and we’re very close. I’m at east with them and we seemed to be drawn to each other naturally. It’s not the case with guys at all. Sure, I’ve met guys with whom I’ve interacted in the context of work or clubs I belong to, and I’ve had good conversations and banter in person. One of them texted me to hang out a few times, but then I figured out he had feelings for me and I put an end to that, so as not to have to let him down later.

I tried to ask a couple of guys to lunch, and they didn’t seem keen on it. Honestly though, I am also confused about why you would be friends with a guy in the first place. The couple friendships that have started to grow have turned into crushes from my end (whereas in the beginning, there were no romantic feelings). Reflecting on that, I’ve never made an effort to be around some guy I see having zero dating potential. Should I try to ask guys to “hang out” more? Why aren’t they asking me to do buddy-buddy type stuff? Can you shed some light on the guy-girl friendship scenario?

I used to have this guy friend. We had so much in common–we liked the same books, we were both adorable, we both wanted to be writers, we loved going to the movies, we hung out in the same bars and ran into each other all the time around town. He totally knew I had a boyfriend; I might have forgotten to mention to my boyfriend that sometimes I was going to a single guy’s house to drink beer and watch movies, but whatever. Things sometimes slip peoples’ minds.

And then all of a sudden, one day, my cute, floppy-haired, poetry-loving platonic male friend disappeared off the face of the earth. He didn’t return my phone call. He didn’t email me back when I invited him to a party. He was gone. A while later I ran into him at a bar, and he might have had a few dozen beers, and when I asked him why we weren’t friends anymore, he said, “I only hung out with you because I wanted to hook up with you. I didn’t care after I realized that wasn’t going to happen.”

Oh. Okay. Fine.

You’re at a tough stage in your life. You’re single, you’re young, you’re at an age where most men aren’t looking at you and thinking about how they’d like to find out more about your career aspirations and your shared love of archery. They’re thinking about other, less wholesome things. I’m sure that when you asked those guys out to lunch, they thought you were asking them out on dates. And I’m sure that the reason guys don’t want to be buddy-buddy with you is that they actually have buddies already–buddies with whom, we can probably assume, they don’t have sex.

If you should become friends with a man, great. But unless you’re somehow pining away for platonic male friendship (which, from what I’ve seen, mostly consists of shotgunning beers, shooting each other at close range with bb guns, and communally yelling at a sporting event on television), I think you should just enjoy your girlfriends and not give it another thought.

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