Weddings 101 for you dummies who act like you’ve never been to a wedding before.

Can I bring a date to a wedding if I’m the only one on the invitation?

No, because you’re going to bring some floozy you met when you were all fueled up on Pabst Blue Ribbon at midnight blacklight bowling, and the bride and groom don’t want her and her inappropriate cleavage gracing all of their wedding photos.

What happens if I’m late to the ceremony?

You won’t be late, because that’s incredibly rude. But if your right arm falls off en route to the ceremony, therefore prohibiting you from shifting your car and forcing you to resort to using your tongue to shift gears, then you wait until the ceremony has definitely already started, you quietly sneak in, and you slip into the very back row, Ninja-style, without making a peep or anyone noticing you.

Can I demand that the groom, who is my brother, not invite our sister, because she’s a bitch who took my money and my man and my car and one time ate an entire bag of Cheetos without saving me any or buying new ones to replace them?

When you get married, you may invite whomever you’d like, but you are not, under any circumstances, to stomp around demanding that people invite or not invite others to their wedding. This means YOU, divorced mothers and fathers and stepmothers and stepfathers of brides and grooms.

Can I wear something that’s kind of white? It’s not really white. It’s white-ish.

No. You know this. Wear something else, you attention whore.

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