I’m having a bbq and one of my guests is a food fascist.

We’re having a bbq for July 4th and I invited a group of friends and some families from my child’s school. One woman, who I don’t know very well, emailed me, telling me her family only eats organic foods, free-range grass-fed beef, and no hot dogs. She went so far as to send me a list of “acceptable” things to serve. What the hell am I supposed to do?

Serve her Spam, cocktail weenies from a jar, Cheetos (My favorite! Be sure to roll the leftover cheese onto your fingers into a bonus cheeseball and eat it), Jell-O salad with little pieces of canned fruit and marshmallows floating in it, and some sort of mayonnaise-based salad that involves pimentos.

Or you could just be polite…my sister-in-law told me a story once about a dinner guest who told her beforehand that he only ate raw foods. So she drove to like Sacramento to get raw milk from some organic back alley, found all kinds of special vegetables for him, and got him some fresh berries and made a special dessert, since she was serving everyone else chicken, pasta, and cake. When it came time for dessert and she gave him his bowl of berries, he said, “Oh, there’s no way I’m going to pass up cake!” And then she shoved the entire cake up his ass. Or at least she wanted to.

The polite thing to do is  write back to her and say, “I understand that your family has specific dietary needs. I would really like you all to come, but unfortunately I can’t accommodate all your requests. If you’d like, you’re more than welcome to prepare your own dinner and bring it with you.”

I guarantee you they’ll do that and then spend the entire night snacking on Doritos or whatever the hell else you serve that’s totally unhealthy.

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