My tenants are REALLY into each other. A lot. Literally.

I’m a landlord. The other day a woman called who lives next door to one of my tenants. She said they have very loud sex every night–and five times a day on the weekends!–and that I need to tell them to stop or she’s going to call the cops. I’m so embarrassed to have to do this. What do I say? Do I even have a right to tell them to stop?

You’re lucky that your tenants found a hobby that’s relatively safe and hopefully clean–loud, frequent boot-knocking is by far a more preferable activity for a tenant than, say, cat collecting or meth cooking.

I wish you didn’t have to warn them that their sexytime is stirring up the neighborhood and causing their neighbors to get the vapors, but I suppose if there are children and nuns around, it could be offensive and uncomfortable. I’m not sure if you legally have a right to tell them to stop in your capacity as a landlord, but I think that as a nice person you should call and tell them. It would suck for them to be in the middle of some weekend gymnastics (Five times a day on the weekends? Good Lord!) and have the police show up at the door and arrest them for indecent exposure or something.

Call your tenant, and say, “I’m uncomfortable talking about this, but I’ve had a complaint from a neighbor that your bedroom activities are a little on the loud side, and that they’re disturbing the neighborhood. Someone threatened to call the police if they hear it again; you’re such a nice person and a good tenant that I’d hate for something like that to happen to you.”

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