I am engaged and the wedding is in two months. My fiance and I have been together for many years, and have been through our ups and downs like any couple. I love him, but for the past few months–maybe longer?–I have had feelings for one of his friends. I know this could be just a reaction to getting married soon, your typical “cold feet” scenario, but I want to do the right thing, so I told my fiance about my infatuation. We have been going to counseling to work through it, and I appreciate and love that he wants to do this. However, every time I think about the wedding, I feel sick. There are a lot of wedding-related things I’m supposed to be doing right now, people are trying to make travel plans, I need to help them, but I can’t bring myself to do the things I need to do.
I would be so sad to lose my fiance, plus there is the added complication of him supporting me while I work at a job that I love but doesn’t pay well. I would never act on my feelings toward his friend; if I called off the wedding it would be because I have feelings for someone else, but not because I wanted to pursue a relationship with this other person. So, what do I do? Do I move past these other feelings and get married? Do I call off the wedding and hurt the person I love? I feel trapped.
I’ve made a wedding-related to-do list for you to help you sort out your priorities.
1. Call off wedding
2. Stay far away from fiance and all of his friends
3. Grow up and get job that pays more, or second job that allows you to work at the job you love
My life is perfect, so I’m not speaking from experience, here, but I hear that marriage is hard. Sometimes (rumor has it), even under the best of circumstances, when you’re madly in love and truly enjoy each other’s company and don’t fight about money and you’re on the same page about whether or not to redshirt your kindergartener, it is still really freaking hard. You’ve given me a few indicators that your marriage isn’t even going to start out under the best circumstances, and let me tell you, it sure as hell doesn’t get easier over time. The great foundation you have at the beginning is what you need to get you through the tough times down the road.
The first red flag is the fact that every time you think about your wedding, you want to vomit. You feel so ill about the prospect of marrying this person that you want to eject the contents of your stomach into the toilet, and then hide under the bed to avoid Great-Aunt Milly’s phone call about whether or not she can order both the beef and chicken entrees at your reception. Actually, I think this is the only red flag we need. No need to talk about anything else. Cancel the wedding, get your shit together, and make sure you grow up just a teeny little bit before you agree to marry someone else.