I just found out that the older married man I’ve been having an on-off again affair with for the last ten years (the last year very regularly) also had an affair with my mother (now deceased) thirty years ago. I’m shocked. I don’t know whether to say anything to him or not–she took this secret to her grave, I almost say I should leave it there.
It’s interesting to me that you’ve been having an affair with a married man for so long, and that your mother was also the sort of gal who would have an affair. It’s actually more interesting to me than the fact that you and your mother were with the same guy, which is actually more disgusting than interesting, and makes me feel like I need to wash my brain out with peroxide and some Monistat.
There are a lot of details missing here, but I think what you’re asking is if you should let this man know that he also slept with your mother, and I think you should not. It’s neither here nor there. It serves no purpose. I do think it’s sort of bizarre that you’ve been sleeping with him for ten years and he doesn’t know your mother’s name. Do you not ever talk to each other?
Which leads me to my next point.
Stop having an affair with a married man. Let’s forget about all the other reasons why you shouldn’t (he’s married, he’s married, he’s married) and focus on this: why do you feel like you don’t deserve a real relationship with someone who is present for you in every way? (I can hazard a guess…it might have something to do with your mother…just throwing it out there…) Why do you feel like you need to settle for someone who is unavailable and morally bankrupt and has no respect for women? Why don’t you go see a therapist and see why you found out that your “boyfriend” slept with your mother and that doesn’t gross you out enough to stop seeing him? Just give it a try. Can’t hurt. Might help.