My wife is miserable and probably doesn’t like me anymore.

My wife was pretty openly miserable this past year, and we were fighting, and she hinted that she wanted me out of the house. Things are a little better recently, but she is very calm and open about how although she is unhappy, she is willing to live with it because of the children. How can I make it better?

I’m wondering how one hints that one wants her husband to move out of the house. Your inbox is full of Craigslist apartment rental listings, your clothes are in boxes in the back of your car, and she’s gone ahead and gotten you a PO Box, and you’re all, “Honey, what’s for dinner? And by the way, why did you change all the locks on the house?”

And now that I’m done making fun of you, I can tell you that there’s a possibility that you can make it better, but you might not be able to. There’s only one person who knows the real situation, and that’s your wife. I’m going to suggest something insane here, but it might just work: talk to her. And listen to her. Don’t accuse or blame or guilt-trip or defend or suggest or make excuses or pontificate or wax nostalgic or screech angrily or interrupt, and just ask her. What’s wrong? What happened? I love you and I want to be married to you. How can we make this better? And then listen carefully to the answer. Ask for clarification if you don’t understand. It’s possible that it’s simple, like you’re taking her for granted, or complicated, like she’s not in love with you anymore.  But if you know the problem, then you can work on a solution.

You’re asking the right question; you’re just asking the wrong person. And if she’s not in love with you and doesn’t want to be married and is willing to suffer for the kids or the house or whatever, you probably owe it to yourself to be happy, and can make a decision on what you’re willing to live with. 

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