I’m depressed about the new president.

I think my depression over Trump is making me physically ill, I’m slacking at work, I have no energy, I’m not sleeping, and I feel like his political rise is proving wrong everything that I always believed was true about human nature and our country. I don’t know how to get out of it. Help.

Many people are saying to volunteer, or donate money, or read novels, or be a more present, loving, and involved parent, but I have a better method. Here are my tips for surviving this first hundred days of a president you don’t like:

Subscribe to several newspapers and obsessively check them on your phone several times a day. Especially do this late at night when you’re supposed to be sleeping, to ensure that you wake up at 3:00 am with your heart racing and your peri-menopausal night sweats six times worse than usual.

To stay alert in case the end of the world is nigh, binge eat carb-free snacks, such as blueberries or crackers made entirely out of parmesan cheese. One will give you a terrible stomach ache, and the other tastes like dirty socks.

When reading the news gets to be too much for you, take a break and lie in bed sobbing quietly for a couple days watching the PBS “War and Peace” miniseries or that Leah Remini show about Scientology. Both will distract you, one because it is boring but you’ll feel compelled to stick it through until the end, and the other because no matter how depressed you are now, at least you’re not in a cult.

Exercise more, maybe joining a certain gym program in which, on your first day, you have to learn how to properly lift an enormous barbell over your head, and when you say, “On what occasion will I need to lift something this heavy?” the person teaching you laughs and laughs in a way that makes you scared to come back but even more afraid not to.

If all of those things fail to lift your mood or bust you out of your sadness, seek mental health assistance from your doctor–I hear counselors and psychiatrists are like quadrupled in new patients right now–or try to remember that we are but a blip in the universe, a blip in time, and because of this, we should do what all good people have done before us and what they will do after we are gone: do your best to live according to your principles, and hold on to the hope that all is not lost, and one day, things will get better.

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