Tag Archives: advice

My sister’s husband is a lecherous pig.

The other weekend my sister and her new husband came to visit. One night, my sister and I stayed home with my kids and my husband and her husband went out for a drink. When they were out, apparently her husband spent the whole time talking about how hot other women at the bar were. My husband kept changing the subject but he said it was really weird and uncomfortable. Should I tell my sister?

No.

Her husband is a disrespectful donkey’s butt (I’m trying to swear less during Lent, okay?), but he didn’t do anything wrong. The only thing he’s guilty of is being a total douchebag. It was inappropriate to say those things to your husband, but if he didn’t talk to or touch any of the women in the bar, it’s not worth causing a problem.

It’s possible that your sister knows that her husband is like this, and she doesn’t care, or at least realizes there’s nothing she can do about it. It’s best to keep your feelings to yourself. But once in a while, I think it’s totally fine to make that two-fingers-I’m-watching-your-horny-ass gesture to him behind your sister’s back. Or cut letters out of a magazine, ransom note-style, and send him a message once in a while that says, “Cheat on your wife, you bastard, and I’ll cut you.” It’ll keep him on his toes AND give you an artistic outlet.

Leave a comment

Filed under Uncategorized

Get your head out of my uterus, please.

I have one child, who is four, and would like to have more, but we’re having a little trouble conceiving this time around. People are constantly asking me when we’re going to have another baby, if we want another baby, why don’t we have another baby yet, etc. I know they mean well, but at this point, I just feel like yelling, “If we wanted to have a baby, and it were possible, don’t you think we would have had one by now?

There are two ways to respond to this line of questioning.

Response A:

Nosy person: “Are you going to have more children? Why don’t you have another baby?”

You: “Yes, we do want more kids. We’re actually trying to get pregnant right now. As a matter of fact, we tried last night. For hours. If you know what I mean.” (Wink a couple times here and make a little hand-pumping hip-thrusting motion. Wiggle your eyebrows and raise your palm up for a high five.) “You do know what I mean, right? Oh, yeah, baby, we sure tried.”

Response B:

Nosy person: “Are you going to have more children? Why don’t you have another baby?”

You: “I don’t know.” (Repeat for all subsequent questions until interrogator stops line of questioning.)

Leave a comment

Filed under Uncategorized

Kiss this.

I hate kissing. Every time we go to a party or out to dinner with friends or even to the park with our kids on Saturday, there’s someone there who isn’t content with a mere hello. No, we can’t shake hands…we kiss. On the cheek. Sometimes both cheeks. It’s disgusting and the only thing worse than this is the full-body hug, which thankfully has gone out of style.

The next time someone goes in for the kiss, just before you touch your cheek to hers, stick out the tip of your tongue a tiny but and give her a quick lick. Not a full-tongued slurp, just a little flick that could be mistaken for wet lips. She won’t want to be rude and wipe it off, and it’ll just sit there, damp and uncomfortable on her cheek until she’s alone and can Purell her face. The next time you run into her, I bet all you get is a friendly wave.

Another option is to having regular, dramatic coughing fits, with a couple fake sneezes and some dry heaves thrown in. No one will want to kiss you then, either.

Leave a comment

Filed under Uncategorized

Hypothetically, this isn’t safe.

I may or may not be aware of some potentially illegal firearms that may or may not be in the possession of a family member.  I feel like these laws are in place for a reason and the weapons often get used against the owner anyway.  Should I force said hypothetical family member to get rid of hypothetical firearm, or quit being a dork and stop worrying about it?

I might call you a dork if you worried about illicit borrowing of library materials or fretted over a pen stolen from the office. Illegal firearms are a different story.

(Please take a moment to check out my sparkling new disclaimer on the About page…here is where I remind you that I’m not a lawyer, medical doctor, police officer, CDC employee, or psychiatrist, and I know nothing about anything, so please don’t take this in any way as serious legal advice.)

How are you going to force this family member, who apparently has an arsenal in his home, to get rid of his firearms? Do you have a tank hidden in your garage?

If you’re worried about his safety or his family’s safety, arm yourself (get it?) with statistics and information about injuries resulting from firearms in the home. Or at the very least let him know the proper way to store them. And let him know the legal penalties for owning illegal weapons. Etc. Frankly, though, a dolt who’d keep unregistered weapons in his house probably won’t listen to reason.

I can’t tell if you’re worried about the illegality of the weapons or the fact that he has them in the first place; if it’s the latter, then you could talk to him, but it really is his prerogative. If you think his family is in danger from these weapons and the manner in which they are stored, you (hypothetically, of course) could call the hypothetical police and let them know.

Leave a comment

Filed under Uncategorized

I’ve used up every guy I know. Where can I get a fresh one?

Where can a cute, fun, and slightly sarcastic girl find a quality single guy?  I’ve tried the online dating thing several times, going to different bookstores, coffee shops, etc. to mix up my routine, and I’ve gone through all the single friends of friends.  Do I really need to walk up and down the aisles at grocery stores every day to hopefully ‘bump’ into Mr. Right?!

Please don’t wander around town accidentally crashing into people in the hope that they’ll turn out to be Matthew McConaughey. This only happens in romantic comedies, and in real life is a surefire way to find a serial killer.

It’s been a while since I was out looking for men (a couple weeks, at least), but here you go:

Don’t do that silly thing where you start flinging yourself about town joining activities in the hopes of meeting people. If you’ve never in your life cared about wine tasting, or swing dancing, or conversational Mandarin, don’t take a class hoping to meet someone. If you’re not interested in corporate communications, don’t take a seminar. Single men who take classes like that by themselves are weird and creepy and are probably only doing it to meet girls because they can’t find them anywhere else.

What I would, do, though, is take advantage of every opportunity that comes your way. When I was single and living on my own, I used to go to the same few places with the same groups of friends. It’s fun and relaxing, but after a while, you kind of run through everyone in that circle. So you need to expand the circle. Be open to stuff. Let it come naturally. If you’re invited to your boss’s nephew’s bar mitzvah, go instead of blowing it off like you want to. Go to the lame art gallery opening of your emo neighbor who drops the word “post-ironic” into every conversation. Go to your best friend’s geeky brother’s Star Trek party. They might not be the guys for you, but they might be friends with the right one. 

Also, rewrite your online dating profile and get rid of your nit-picky requirements, like “must love kitty cats,” and “please send front and back photos of self in thong-style Speedo.” Keep an open mind. You’re not looking for someone just like you; you’re looking for someone who complements you. Go out of your way to meet as many new people as possible, stop fishing in the same pond, keep being your adorable bitchy self, and it’ll happen.

Leave a comment

Filed under Uncategorized

Ask me.

Here’s where you ask your question, right in the comments section of this post.

It’s completely anonymous, I swear.

There’s no way I can tell who’s posting it. All questions filter through me before they’re published, so you’re not immediately announcing to the world that you’re thinking of leaving your husband or that you accidentally ran over your neighbor’s cat and told her that someone else did it.

Your email address is NOT required. Just skip that part of the comment form.

Leave a comment

Filed under Uncategorized