Tag Archives: boyfriend

My boyfriend leaves change all over the house. And my car. And in my bathroom.

My boyfriend “Jimbo” and I are getting very serious. We have a wonderful relationship and get along great; he’s kind to me and is nicer than anyone I’ve ever been with. Plus, he’s hot. We’ve been talking about moving in together and I’m almost positive it’s the right move, but there’s one thing that’s bothering me. He leaves change everywhere. In my car, in my sofa cushions, in my bed, and sometimes it’s even in a little pile next to the toilet seat. He does his best to pick it up, but his best isn’t perfect. It drives me up a wall and I’m not sure I can live with that spare change floating around my house all the time. Is this issue something that should make me reconsider living together, or am I being anal and uncompromising?

I don’t know why you’re complaining; your boyfriend spontaneously deposits little piles of money wherever he goes. How is this a problem? I think you should get over it and squirrel the change away for some new shoes.

If you can’t, then I suggest you come up with a good incentive for him to pick up the change. Put two jars on the kitchen counter, and tell Jimbo you’re going to have a race to see who can fill theirs up with change first. The winner gets to use the money for a date of his or her choice. Then talk a lot about how you’ve been dying to go see the sing-along Sound of Music where they have the lyrics with a bouncing ball at the bottom of the screen. Or mention repeatedly that the next time you get a free night you’re going to beeline it to a wheatgrass colonic clinic and meditation seminar at your yoga studio.

Jimbo’s going to become very diligent about picking up his change. You might have to go to a NASCAR race or a strip club one night in the near future, but it’s better than being irritated all the live-long day.

By the way…if he really is hot and kind and nice and this is his only issue, then you should be waking up every morning and showering him with kisses and exclamations of love. Because it could be so much worse: he could play air guitar (while biting his lower lip) in public; he could pick his nose and wipe it on the side of the couch; he could have twenty years of Penthouse magazines that he’d like to display on the bookshelf. Maybe you should be a little less uptight. Perfection is impossible; I’m sure you’re not perfect, and I’m sure he’s making allowances for behavior and habits that you have. Do the same for him.

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Happy July 4! Don’t blow your hand off, please.

My boyfriend is a complete idiot and sets off all these illegal fireworks every year on the Fourth of July. In the past, he’s set our shrubs on fire, come extremely close to losing a thumb, and almost killed our neighbor’s dog. When I try to talk sense into him and see if we can just do some sparklers and maybe a couple bottle rockets, he accuses me of being no fun, controlling, and irrationally worried. I’m so afraid he’s going to cause an accident!

I feel your pain. It’s like, the more you fret and beg and warn, the more they want to blow shit up.

It’s best to make yourself a delicious drink, preferably one that involves gin, and drink it up fast. Then have 3 more, and stay away from the pyromaniac for the rest of the night. If your boyfriend comes to the back door with a bloody stump where his hand used to be, offer to hold the phone for him while he uses his good hand to call 911 and explain what a freaking dumbass he is.

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I’m on vacation. So here’s some vacation advice.

My boyfriend and I live together, but when we visit his extremely religious parents, they insist we sleep in separate bedrooms. This is ridiculous and I resent them forcing their religious beliefs on us. My boyfriend refuses to stand up to them on this issue and thinks I should just let it go, but I can’t.

One day, maybe you and your boyfriend will get married, and after a few years you’ll welcome the chance to sleep in different beds. It’ll be like an extra little vacation bonus. So just pretend you’re married, and stretch out your legs a little bit.

There’s no point in antagonizing them over this. Save it for something important, like when try to make you go to the 14th Annual 24-Hour Church-a-thon or baptize your baby in a fire pit.

When we travel with our young children, I get very tense on airplanes because I feel like they’re bothering the other passengers. I spend the entire flight trying to keep them busy and quiet, which, to tell the truth, is exhausting and stressful. On the other hand, my husband lets them bounce off the walls and carry on like we’re playing in the back yard and not enclosed in a small space with 200 other people. He says that part of air travel is putting up with other people, and that sometimes those other people are children. Who’s right?

You both are.

One time, before I had kids, I was stuck in a flight on the runway for an hour and forty-five minutes. For half of that time, I listened to the little girl behind me snap her gum until I thought my head was going to explode. I turned around, pointed my long, angry, finger at her, and hissed, “If I hear you snap your gum one more time I’m going to get you kicked off this plane.” She didn’t make a peep for the rest of the flight, except for a little sniffle now and again. Yes, I made her cry.

Now that I’m a parent, I realize that threatening small children is just as impolite as gum snapping. But seriously…where were this girls’ parents? It’s their job to make sure she’s behaving appropriately.

So I don’t think stressing over every outburst, shushing every cry, and running yourself ragged with your own on-board preschool program is a good idea. Your husband is right; kids are kids, and kids make noise. Maybe you can relax a little and your husband can pay a little more attention, and meet somewhere nice right in the middle.

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Summer is here! Don’t be an asshole.

I belong to a country club, as do many of my friends. We have a generous guest policy, but one woman always brings her friend, who doesn’t belong to the club, as her tennis partner. I feel like it’s bad manners on both of their parts: the member shouldn’t abuse the guest priviliges by bringing the same person all the time, and the guest should know better than to continually use the club without becoming a member. I really want to say something about this. It’s not right.

Oh, good idea. I always thought there should be someone with the job of Country Club Police. They should really hire someone to keep track of guests and stuff…oh, wait. I think they probably already did hire someone for that. Someone who’s NOT YOU.

MYOB.

My boyfriend’s friend always makes idiotic sexual comments whenever people are applying sunscreen to each other…especially if it’s me and my girl friends. How can I get him to shut up?

Get the spray kind, and accidentally have a wrist spasm next time he does it. A nice healthy squirt of UVA protection onto his eyeballs might scare him away from you permanently.

If we’re having a barbecue, and someone asks if they should bring something, and I say no, don’t worry about it, shouldn’t they bring something anyway? Everyone knows you bring something when you go to a barbecue at your friend’s house.

Instead of trying to spike people with your kooky, whacked-out, opposite-day version of Miss Manners, here’s a tip: say what you mean. If you need mustard, say, “Sure, thank you, I’d love it if you could bring some mustard!” If you expect a present, say, “I’d like some peonies and a nice bottle of Shiraz.”

And if you say, “No, just bring yourselves!” then put a cork in your judgement hole. Here’s a tip: say what you mean. Conversely, mean what you say. It works wonders.

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How important, really, is honesty?

My boyfriend gave me some beautiful, expensive earrings as a birthday gift. I lost one almost immediately, and now he thinks I don’t like them because I never wear them. If I tell him I lost one, he’ll be annoying about it. He won’t be mad at me, necessarily, but he’s a nagging person in general and I just don’t want to listen to him complain about it. Is it wrong to just buy another pair and pretend the whole thing never happened?

If you can buy a new pair without having to eat Ramen for six months, go for it.

Your boyfriend is going to take it personally that you lost an earring, rather than see the bigger picture and accept the fact that sometimes, a girl’s head can get stuck in her sweater while she’s taking it off in a restaurant, she can flail around for a few minutes trying to get it off, and in the process, lose an earring. Not that this has ever happened to me, but I’ve heard that it happens.

Honesty is of the utmost importance in a relationship, unless being honest gains you nothing but six months of nagging, guilt, and comments like, “You look great tonight…too bad you don’t have any expensive diamond earrings to wear with that dress.”

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