Tag Archives: dating

Unsolicited Advice #5

To any gentleman thinking of serenading a woman on a date (like that guy on The Bachelorette last night): Don’t do it. Please. Unless you’re Bob Dylan or Bruce Springsteen, there’s no earthly reason you should be singing to someone unless they’ve specifically requested it. It may be cute at first, and she may think she likes it, but 10 years later when you’re still humming and strumming “Stairway to Heaven” she’s going to want to rip the guitar out of your hands and beat herself over the head with it.

This also goes for men who write poetry. It’s the height of embarrassment and awkwardness to have someone read their crappy poetry to you. I’m sweating just thinking about it.

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Nice to meet you. I have an illness.

I have a medical condition which isn’t contagious and is totally manageable with medication. But it does have the potential to be fatal if not immediately addressed in the infrequent event that I have an episode. I’ve finally gotten my life on track despite the complications of having such a condition…except with the ladies. I hesitate to get involved in a relationship, and I don’t know when to mention that I have this condition, since it will definitely have to be a part of a girlfriend’s life.

Well, don’t be a blurter. Once I went out on a date with a guy I barely knew and I was like, “How many brothers and sisters do you have?” and he was like, “Two brothers. And I hate them. I actually don’t speak to anyone in my family anymore because they’re a horrible group of dysfunctional people who bring me nothing but pain and misery and sometimes I make voodoo dolls of them and poke pins in the crotches.” And I was like, oh, shit: we’ve got a blurter.

There’s no need to share all the personal information you’ve got within the first twenty minutes of meeting someone. If there’s a chance you’re going to drop dead at the dinner table, you might want to give her a heads up, but if your condition is being treated properly, I don’t think you need to tell her right away. If she asks you, “Hey, what’s that medic alert bracelet for,” I think it’s okay to share, but unless you’re dying to discuss it, it’s not a big deal.

Dating someone new is exciting because, piece by piece, you’re finding out who he or she is. Give it a little time, and any girl who gets to know you will surely be so bedazzled by your terrific personality and stunning good looks that your medical condition will just be one of the pieces of you, and not define who you are as a whole.

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I’ve used up every guy I know. Where can I get a fresh one?

Where can a cute, fun, and slightly sarcastic girl find a quality single guy?  I’ve tried the online dating thing several times, going to different bookstores, coffee shops, etc. to mix up my routine, and I’ve gone through all the single friends of friends.  Do I really need to walk up and down the aisles at grocery stores every day to hopefully ‘bump’ into Mr. Right?!

Please don’t wander around town accidentally crashing into people in the hope that they’ll turn out to be Matthew McConaughey. This only happens in romantic comedies, and in real life is a surefire way to find a serial killer.

It’s been a while since I was out looking for men (a couple weeks, at least), but here you go:

Don’t do that silly thing where you start flinging yourself about town joining activities in the hopes of meeting people. If you’ve never in your life cared about wine tasting, or swing dancing, or conversational Mandarin, don’t take a class hoping to meet someone. If you’re not interested in corporate communications, don’t take a seminar. Single men who take classes like that by themselves are weird and creepy and are probably only doing it to meet girls because they can’t find them anywhere else.

What I would, do, though, is take advantage of every opportunity that comes your way. When I was single and living on my own, I used to go to the same few places with the same groups of friends. It’s fun and relaxing, but after a while, you kind of run through everyone in that circle. So you need to expand the circle. Be open to stuff. Let it come naturally. If you’re invited to your boss’s nephew’s bar mitzvah, go instead of blowing it off like you want to. Go to the lame art gallery opening of your emo neighbor who drops the word “post-ironic” into every conversation. Go to your best friend’s geeky brother’s Star Trek party. They might not be the guys for you, but they might be friends with the right one. 

Also, rewrite your online dating profile and get rid of your nit-picky requirements, like “must love kitty cats,” and “please send front and back photos of self in thong-style Speedo.” Keep an open mind. You’re not looking for someone just like you; you’re looking for someone who complements you. Go out of your way to meet as many new people as possible, stop fishing in the same pond, keep being your adorable bitchy self, and it’ll happen.

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