Tag Archives: engagement ring

I got a beautiful diamond ring that I just don’t want.

My boyfriend of six months recently proposed. I was and am totally thrilled. We are both almost forty and, while I wasn’t expecting it to happen so quickly, it feels right. However, because it happened so quickly we never had time to talk about rings. He bought me a beautiful diamond ring and I really appreciate that. But I teach inner-city kids and have a lot of friends who don’t make a lot of money and I really never wanted a diamond ring. I feel uncomfortable wearing it. I don’t know what to do because I don’t want to make him feel bad and I so appreciate the ring, but I also don’t want to spend my life wearing a ring that makes me uncomfortable. I know he would be understanding, but I just don’t want to hurt his feelings. What should I do?

You’re about to spend the rest of your life with this person. In theory, you’re going to wake up to his mug EVERY SINGLE DAY until you die. You’re going to have to tell him so many unpleasant things: “Honey, I can’t seem to find one of our children…I swear I brought him into Target with me…” or “Sweetheart, from the smell of things, you haven’t flossed since 1994, and every time your face comes near mine I get dry heaves.” Or “Baby, hiring your mother as a live-in housekeeper is really not what I had in mind when I said I needed more help around the house.”

This isn’t a big deal. I think instead of saying you don’t want it, you could wear the ring on occasion, and tell your fiance that you don’t feel comfortable wearing it to work or around your poor friends. (By the way…the former I understand, but the latter is a little weird. Tough cookies for them if your stuff is nicer; if they get all jealous and bitter over your pretty ring, they’re crappy friends.) There’s no law that says the diamond has to be clamped to your finger 24 hours a day until you perish.

But if the ring’s presence in your house will  truly make you uncomfortable to the point where it’s haunting you all Tell-Tale Heart-style, then you just have a conversation with him. “Thank you for this beautiful ring; I’m so excited to marry you. I don’t want to hurt your feelings, and I want to be clear that the gesture is really romantic and lovely, but I’m afraid I won’t ever wear it and it seems disingenuous to not tell you.”

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News flash: if you don’t want your boyfriend to do something,you can just tell him.

My wonderful boyfriend of three years is, I think, about to propose. I’m very excited about it, but I’m nervous about one thing. I think he’s going to get me a ring, and I don’t wear rings. I don’t wear much jewelry at all. I hate the way rings feel on my fingers and have never worn them. I don’t want to hurt his feelings and not wear the ring, but I also don’t want to be stuck wearing something uncomfortable for the rest of my life. What should I do?

What you should do is not agree to marry someone who, after three years of dating, doesn’t know that you don’t like rings and wouldn’t want to wear one. (And what the hell is wrong with you, anyway? Who doesn’t like diamond rings?)

If it’s just a topic that’s never come up, you should be able to broach it. Mention it casually. Like, the next time you get a phone call, say, “My phone is ringing. Oh, speaking of rings, I don’t like them. They’re uncomfortable and I never want you to feel like you have to get me one.”

See how easy that is? I would just be extra sure, before you say yes to a proposal, that you’re comfortable talking to him about everything. Because if you can’t talk to him openly now, life is going to be a hell of a lot worse after you get married.

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