Tag Archives: fireworks

How to ruin a perfectly good holiday: get married.

My husband’s annoying, narcissistic, completely psychotic sister has decided to get married tomorrow. That’s right. On the FOURTH OF JULY. We have to use up a precious three-day weekend on her ridiculous wedding hoopla, spend a ton of money traveling, and we don’t even get to see fireworks. I know we have to go, but seriously, is this the rudest thing you’ve ever heard, or what?

On the rudeness scale, it falls somewhere below passing gas in your hand and then cupping it over someone’s mouth, and above screaming profanities at a telemarketer. So no, it’s not the rudest thing I’ve ever heard. In fact, some people prefer to attend weddings on long weekends so they don’t have to take a day off from work in order to go.

What’s rude is making your husband suffer through your constant bitching about an important, special day for his family. You’ll have a much better weekend if you stop complaining and attempt to enjoy yourself.

P.S. Unless you’re 8, there’s no reason to be upset about missing fireworks. Come on.

P.P.S. I’m guessing you hate his sister for reasons other than her choice of wedding date. Maybe you need to address these…just a thought…


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Happy July 4! Don’t blow your hand off, please.

My boyfriend is a complete idiot and sets off all these illegal fireworks every year on the Fourth of July. In the past, he’s set our shrubs on fire, come extremely close to losing a thumb, and almost killed our neighbor’s dog. When I try to talk sense into him and see if we can just do some sparklers and maybe a couple bottle rockets, he accuses me of being no fun, controlling, and irrationally worried. I’m so afraid he’s going to cause an accident!

I feel your pain. It’s like, the more you fret and beg and warn, the more they want to blow shit up.

It’s best to make yourself a delicious drink, preferably one that involves gin, and drink it up fast. Then have 3 more, and stay away from the pyromaniac for the rest of the night. If your boyfriend comes to the back door with a bloody stump where his hand used to be, offer to hold the phone for him while he uses his good hand to call 911 and explain what a freaking dumbass he is.

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