Tag Archives: get over yourself

Well-off corporate hack, or poverty-stricken saver of the world?

I have a good job that pays well, allows me to spend time with my family, and doesn’t cause me that much stress. Great, right? Well, not so much. It’s boring and I’m never going to progress as far as I could in my company because I don’t care about doing better. I’d love to get a job working for a nonprofit in a field I’m really passionate about, but the pay would be about 50% and I’d probably have to work harder. I think, though, that I’d be much happier. Should I keep selling my soul, or pursue my dreams?

Pursue your dreams, but only if you have a lot of money. Like, a lot of money. Like, try to live on 50% of your salary for a while and see how that feels, and then imagine you got laid off from your 50%-salary job, and see how that feels. In case you haven’t noticed, the economy blows, and you’re pretty lucky to be employed, period.

I’m fairly certain that being bored at work is better than being hungry and living in a refrigerator box under a bridge next to a toothless guy named Chlamydia Sam who tries to steal your newspaper blanket every night.

So do this:

1.) Stop being such a slacker at work. People notice, and if the time comes to get rid of some dead weight, you’re going to be the first on the list to get shown the door.

2.) Indulge your passion for that nonprofit by volunteering.

Leave a comment

Filed under Uncategorized

Quickfire questions in honor of Memorial Day.

I’m going to a pool party/cookout with my new girlfriend. She’s great, but sometimes dresses a little provocatively. My friends’ wives can be a pretty judgmental  bunch and I know she’d fit in personality-wise, but her clothes are a little on the slutty side. Is there any way to tactfully tell my girlfriend to leave the thong bikini at home and wear something else?

No. Either wear a Speedo in solidarity and meet every judgmental look with the stink eye and a proclamation of how much you love her, or break up with her.

There’s no point in dating someone who embarrasses you.

P.S. Get over yourself.

I’m afraid my husband is going to drink too much at our friend’s barbecue today. He doesn’t normally have a drinking problem, he just gets a little excited and overly enthusiastic on holidays sometimes.

Drink more than he does, and do it fast. Then his drunkenness won’t bother you. He might even spend so much time being mortified by you that he’ll forget, or you’ll be slurring, “I never understood what chips were for, anyway,” and put your whole hand in the dip, and then he’ll have to bring you home.

Everyone loves my special potato salad, but it has a little chicken broth in it. The people who asked us over for Memorial Day are vegetarians…do I have to tell them about the chicken broth? They wouldn’t ever know.

No, of course not. And after the cookout is over, you should go spike the punch at an AA meeting.

Leave a comment

Filed under Uncategorized

Some quick-fire advice in honor of Mother’s Day.

My mother is always making passive-aggressive comments about my weight. How can I get her to stop?

You can’t. She can’t help herself. You’re too fat. Also, get your hair out of your eyes and please tell me you’re not wearing that out of the house. Go back and change. And wear a girdle.

I feel like now that we have children, my mother-in-law should let us have Mother’s Day alone, to celebrate the fact that I’m a mother. I’m sick of sharing but my husband won’t tell her we’re going to have brunch just as a family. Shouldn’t he tell his mom we’re going to celebrate her Mother’s Day on Saturday?

HAHAHAHAHAHAHA. No. It’s kind of cute, really, that you think that’s possible. Did you just get married yesterday?

I just found out I’m pregnant and am trying to think of a fun way to let my husband and our families know. Do you have any suggestions?

Yes. Say, “I’m pregnant.”

It’s news enough. No need to rent the Goodyear blimp to broadcast it, or print M&Ms that say, “Julie’s Knocked Up!” or put a package of hamburger buns in the oven, point frantically, and wait around for three hours while everyone tries to figure out what the hell you’re doing.

I’m dizzy thinking of all the attention-whoring you’re going to be doing for the next 40 weeks. I have to go lie down.

Leave a comment

Filed under Uncategorized

Ms. Jackson if you’re nasty. Or, Ms. Jackson-Smith. Oh, okay, fine. Mrs. Smith.

I’ve been dating my boyfriend for around six months and things are going really well. This last weekend we were at brunch with some of his friends when the topic of women changing their last names came up — and my sweet, understanding boyfriend suddenly announced that not changing a last name was a “deal-breaker” in his his eyes. Yikes! I’m not 100% certain I want to change or not change mine, but I’m alarmed by his hard-line approach here. Should I be scared?

I married one of those self-important blowhards. (Sorry, honey. Love you!) He also announced that not changing my name would be a “deal-breaker,” but lucky for him, he did so after we’d already gotten married and I’d already changed my name. Had he made this freaking ridiculous announcement before our wedding, I’m fairly sure I would have not changed my name. (I’m also fairly sure he still would have married me, but who knows, really…)

Only be scared if he’s also this bossy and unattractively un-feminist in the rest of your relationship. Beware if he expects you to: cook dinner for him every night, wear a skirt every day, always be skinny, not yell, call him “Sir,” comb your hair on a daily basis, do all the housework, or always let him have the remote.

For now, just tell him, “I haven’t decided if I’m going to change my name when I get married, but my future husband’s opinion sure as hell won’t be the deciding factor. So if it really is a deal-breaker–and only you really know the answer to that–we might as well save the trouble and split up now.”

Don’t make a promise you’re not totally comfortable keeping. Setting that precedent so early in a relationship is only going to make it harder to assert yourself later, when it’s something you actually care about.

Leave a comment

Filed under Uncategorized

I’d like permission to meddle in other peoples’ happiness.

I have a terrific, intelligent, beautiful friend who is fun, interesting and just a genuinely good person. She’s also a complete wreck when it comes to relationships, like she’s just a different person altogether when it comes to men. Controlling, needy, overly-analytical, downright obsessive. I’ve counseled her through many disastrous relationships and it took a setup with a friend of a friend to see that it’s not the guys who are causing all the trouble. My friend is actually the problem. And now she’s set her sights on my husband’s best friend. She’s constantly asking me to set them up. I see disaster ahead, and my husband’s best friend is like family to me. I don’t want to get him tangled up in all this! Also, I didn’t mention that she’s totally hot. It would be difficult to convince him not to go after her once he sees he is getting the green light from her. Can I poison the well just a little bit without going straight to hell? Can I have my husband do it?

Oh, sure. Go ahead. Tell your husband’s friend (Dick) that your friend (Jane) did a stint in a mental institution. Or went to jail for stalking an old boyfriend. Or that she’s a Republican. That way Dick will be sure to avoid your totally completely awesomely hot friend.

I think Dick will be blinded by the hotness, and there’s nothing you can say to dissuade him from Jane. I also think that it’s none of your business. You don’t have to set them up–that’s up to you. But saying shitty things about people you care about, to prevent them from participating in a relationship that they both want to be in, isn’t right. You’re just being a bored married person who’s missing out on relationship drama.

Like, what do you think Jane is going to do to Dick? She might make his life unpleasant, but since he’s your husband’s best friend, I seriously doubt he’s going to be like, “I’m never speaking to you again because your wife’s friend got jealous of the woman who cuts my hair and tried to stab her with a pair of scissors.” No, he’ll be like, “Thanks for introducing me to the crazy hot chick. I have to go into the witness protection program now, but it was totally worth it.”

And you don’t know…maybe they’ll work out perfectly together, and you and your husband will have a nice, slightly unhinged couple to hang out with.

Leave a comment

Filed under Uncategorized

High school is haunting me on Facebook.

I have a friend from high school who keeps putting embarrassing pictures of me on Facebook. We’re not very close anymore, and I know she thinks it’s all in good fun, but it really bothers me. I enjoy the site and don’t want to stop participating, but I purposefully didn’t use my maiden name when I signed up so that random people couldn’t find me. How can I get her to stop?

Ask her, for frick’s sake.

“Hey, Marjorie, you’re right, that time we permed our hair and did beer funnels in the back of your dad’s pickup truck was totally hilarious, but would you mind taking that picture down, or at least taking my name off of it? My niece/stepdaughter/mom is on Facebook, and I would hate for her to see that picture. Thank you!” There’s also a way to take your own name off of pictures, is there not?

I should add, in the interest of full disclosure, that I put a picture of my eighth grade graduation on Facebook. We all have enormous bangs and wear dresses that are eerily similar to those sported by the gals who were recently raided at an FLDS compound in Texas. It’s cute.

If you’re worried about the pictures just because you look funny, and not because you’re engaged in some kind of criminal activity, you might want to reconsider. Every guy has a picture out there where he has an earring and a ponytail, and every girl has a pegged-jeans-and-feathered-hair photo. I wasn’t always the glamorous, chic figure I am today, but I like those old pictures. It’s nice to be reminded of who you were, and how that made you who you are now.

1 Comment

Filed under Uncategorized

I have a frenemy.

I have a great group of friends. We spend a lot of time together with our children, and get together with our husbands on the weekend. There’s one woman, though, who I’d definitely call a frenemy. She says rude things to me in front of other people, and then if I react she says, “Oh, I was just kidding.” A couple times she’s had parties and invited tons of people I know, but deliberately left me out. I also know she repeats things I’ve told her in confidence. I can’t stop being friends with her because we have the same social circle, so how can I deal with her?

Are you 12? Because if you are, you shouldn’t be on the internet. Turn off the computer and go watch Hannah Montana.

If you’re not 12: ARGH.

(An aside here: besides convincing an entire generation of women that it’s necessary to go into massive amounts of credit card debt so that you can have a large collection of hideous, impractical shoes, Sex and the City’s worst contribution to society was that stupid, stupid word. Frenemy. Ugh.)

There are many, many people in your neighborhood and your town and at your kid’s school. There is no possible way that you’re going to like all of them, so it stands to reason that not all those people will like you. It’s hard to accept, but there it is. If this woman wants to be a dick to you, go ahead and let her. Live your life. Make your own plans. If she’s rude and then hides behind the old “just kidding” excuse, feel free to say, “Yeah, that wasn’t funny.” Otherwise, just tolerate her.

Also, don’t be an idiot. Don’t tell her private things in the hope that it’s going to make your relationship closer. Don’t be all sad and wistful when she tells you about the awesome party she had that you weren’t invited to. Remove your ego from the equation, because really, she sounds horrible, so why would you want to be friends with her, anyway?

1 Comment

Filed under Uncategorized