Tag Archives: girlfriend

I accidentally read my husband’s email. On purpose.

I accidentally saw on my husband’s email account, which he left open on the computer, that he had an email from an old girlfriend. I read it (I know, I shouldn’t have) and it was harmless, there was nothing bad in it, but he never mentioned that she emailed him so of course now I’m suspicious that something shady is going on. If I bring it up, he’s going to know I read his email and he’s going to be mad, but if I don’t ask about it, I might go crazy. What should I do?

You should hop in your time machine, go back to seeing his email on the computer, and think to yourself, “Reading other peoples’ private correspondence is sneaky, rude, and an enormous invasion of privacy and only a complete and utter assface would read her husband’s email without his explicit permission.” Then you should shut down the computer and go shopping and buy yourself a treat for being such an honest and wonderful person.

If you don’t have a time machine, then you should consider your mental torture your punishment for putting your shnoz where it doesn’t belong, and remember this shitty feeling the next time you’re tempted to peek at something you shouldn’t. He’s allowed to have friends, and he’s allowed to catch up with old friends.

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Quickfire questions in honor of Memorial Day.

I’m going to a pool party/cookout with my new girlfriend. She’s great, but sometimes dresses a little provocatively. My friends’ wives can be a pretty judgmental  bunch and I know she’d fit in personality-wise, but her clothes are a little on the slutty side. Is there any way to tactfully tell my girlfriend to leave the thong bikini at home and wear something else?

No. Either wear a Speedo in solidarity and meet every judgmental look with the stink eye and a proclamation of how much you love her, or break up with her.

There’s no point in dating someone who embarrasses you.

P.S. Get over yourself.

I’m afraid my husband is going to drink too much at our friend’s barbecue today. He doesn’t normally have a drinking problem, he just gets a little excited and overly enthusiastic on holidays sometimes.

Drink more than he does, and do it fast. Then his drunkenness won’t bother you. He might even spend so much time being mortified by you that he’ll forget, or you’ll be slurring, “I never understood what chips were for, anyway,” and put your whole hand in the dip, and then he’ll have to bring you home.

Everyone loves my special potato salad, but it has a little chicken broth in it. The people who asked us over for Memorial Day are vegetarians…do I have to tell them about the chicken broth? They wouldn’t ever know.

No, of course not. And after the cookout is over, you should go spike the punch at an AA meeting.

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