Tag Archives: long distance relationship

It’s not going anywhere right now, but it could. Should we keep hanging out?

I’ve been dating “Roy” casually for a few months now. We were introduced by a mutual friend via Facebook and emailed for a couple of months before meeting. We’re talking long, in-depth emails where we asked and answered many of the usual questions you ask when getting to know one another. We met and genuinely liked each other. We see each other approximately once every week or two weeks. It is very platonic at this point — nothing physical is happening.

He owns his own business and works an additional almost full-time job, and has recently moved home to help take care of his parents who are having health issues, so it’s been clear from the start that he doesn’t have much time for dating. He is now expanding his business, quitting the other job and likely relocating several states away for about a year to get the new business up to speed.

Just about the time we were introduced, I was diagnosed with cancer and have had a couple of surgeries, so I’ve been fine with the state of our “relationship” and its limited opportunities to get together. Roy is a very kind, funny, respectful and generous man — he’s been supportive and encouraging throughout what I have been dealing with. He is definitely someone who I would consider dating seriously. We’ve talked before about his limited availability and the fact that it will likely not change and I have been fine with it, in light of what I myself have been dealing with. I am sure you’re probably wondering if he’s married, or something like that, but he’s not. It’s just what I am saying it is.

My question is this: should I continue to see Roy, despite the fact that it appears to be hopeless in terms of a long-term gig? If he were just some jackass I met, I would have already ditched him, but he is a really good person. Ideally, as I am starting to get better, I’d like to spend more time with Roy, for this to become something more serious, which seems impossible. But, I don’t have any other irons in the fire, so to speak, and I do really like Roy. I’m of the opinion that what does it harm to continue on? One never knows what can happen, and I would regret letting the chance to see what comes of all this go. Your thoughts?
One thought: the only things that suck more than cancer are genocide and that band Creed. I hope you’re feeling well.
Another thought: there’s no harm in letting this continue on. You like him; he likes you. It’s not like he tattooed your name on his forehead as a gesture of true love while you’re busy changing your identity, living in a motel, and dyeing your hair an unnatural shade of black in an attempt to disguise yourself and get away from him. You’re both emotionally invested an equal amount; it’s just that the timing happens to suck right now. I think as long as you continue to be honest with each other, and not close yourself off from any other relationships that might develop, you’re fine. He sounds nice. You should stay in touch.
I do wonder about your sanity, though. How, seriously, are you so sane? You’re holding off on a physical relationship! You’re honest with him about your feelings and realistic about the limits on your relationship right now! You claim that if he were a jackass, you would have ditched him! Most people who write to me about their relationships, sadly, have not only not ditched the jackass, but are anxiously trying to figure out how to keep him around for longer. You’re fine. Relax. Take care of yourself and hang out with Roy whenever you damn well please.

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My boyfriend doesn’t want me to move across the country with him. Should I go anyway?

My long-term boyfriend is nervous about what will happen if I relocate with him. How do you decide whether to move across country with a significant other? We have been together for over two and a half years. We are generally very happy — good romantic life, we get along famously, have a lot of fun, and are best friends. He is 28 and I am 24.

After two years of dissatisfaction with his job, my boyfriend is finally taking steps to move back to his hometown and find a job that he really likes there. I have lived in his hometown previously, and I loved it. His career is one where he has far fewer options about location than I do. I can live basically anywhere. The crux of the issue is that he has expressed some doubts about me moving across the country with him. When he explains it, he says that he would love to have me with him and still be with me, but he is still not certain he’s ready to be married and would feel more pressured to take that step if I moved across the country. He also worries that we would break up, and I would be stuck in a city where I have a not-so-big network. My take is that we’ve been together for a long time, are happy, can see each being the person for the long haul, and moving there is worth a shot. Additionally, there is some resentment from me because I feel like he is trying to make the decision about whether to move for me. At the same time, if I moved across the country, I would want to live with him, and he might not be ready for that, and I don’t want to put undue pressure. Is moving across the country with an semi-ambivalent partner a bad idea? If I were to move, what should I be thinking about and expecting?

Don’t go. He doesn’t want you to go with him. You need to break up.
Wicked harsh, right? Sorry. He wasn’t like, “Hey, Suzie, I’m thinking of moving back to Topeka for my career. Would you ever be open to coming with me? I’d hate to be without you.” This is what someone says when he wants to be with someone.
This is what someone says when he doesn’t want to be with someone: “I’m moving. I don’t want you to come with me because I don’t want to live with you and I don’t want to marry you. Additionally, I’m thinking that we might break up shortly after our arrival in Topeka, and I would feel really guilty.”
You say in your letter that you “can see each being the person for the long haul.” Well, not really. You can, but he can’t. He’s talking about breaking up! He doesn’t want you to come with him! Granted, we’re crazy impulsive people who are notorious for last-minute, life-changing, overly-dramatic moving situations, but a long time ago, back before we got married or even engaged, my husband and I had a situation. We hadn’t been dating long, we both needed to move out of our apartments (which were in different cities), neither of us were employed, and we weren’t sure what we were going to do next. There was some discussion about what we should do (Let’s move to Italy and become grape stompers! Let’s rent a bison and ride it across Canada!) but we never once questioned whether or not we should be together. We just assumed it would be so.
This is how it should be with your boyfriend, especially after such a long period of time. Let him go. Make a clean break. Be grateful that you’re in a city where you’re happy and you have friends to support you and make you vodka sundaes when you get sad, and move on. He wants to.

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