Tag Archives: neighbor

If the Hatfields had electricity.

My neighbor and I don’t get along very well in the first place, and then she recently put a giant spotlight in her back yard. It’s so bright, and it comes right in our windows. I’ve asked her politely to please turn it off for part of the night, or to get a dimmer bulb, but she refuses. I get so worked up about it every night that I’m having trouble falling asleep. I’m especially enraged because I have a daughter and the light comes right in her window. What can I do to get this crazy woman to turn off her spotlight?

Legally, you’re SOL. So…

It’s tempting to go totally psycho on her, right? You could get a dog and let it poop in her yard when she’s not home. You could install a giant mirror in your back yard that’s positioned perfectly to beam light right into her bedroom. You could install speakers in your yard and blast, on repeat, “We Don’t Have to Take Our Clothes Off to Have a Good Time.” Or plant some flowers on her side of your house and hire a gardener who is incredibly hairy and chubby and only weeds in a Speedo.

Or you could realize that she doesn’t like you, doesn’t give a shit about you and your kid, and is only going to enjoy her spotlight all the more because you want her to turn it off.

Get some blackout shades and some dark curtains, install some awnings, and hope that after the novelty wears off, she’ll start forgetting to turn it on at night. And get some Ambien.

Leave a comment

Filed under Uncategorized

I like to listen.

I can hear my neighbors’ conversations through our baby monitors. Mine must be set to the same channel as theirs, because it comes in loud and clear. They’re not friends, but we’re friendly with them, and I’ve always found them to be strange. Listening to them is really interesting…I’m not going to tell anyone what I heard, so it’s not really doing any harm…but I should probably stop, right?

I don’t want you to have to stop, because that’s totally awesome. 

The only way I’d be able to stop eavesdropping is if I actually told them that I could hear them, because then they’d either get a new baby monitor or turn theirs off. Much like not having Cheetos in the house; if they made it through the door, I’d scarf them down in about 30 seconds. The only way to stop listening to your fascinating weird neighbors is to make them responsible for the whole situation.

You also might want to think about the fact that they can probably hear you…

Leave a comment

Filed under Uncategorized

My neighbor is a little too enthusiastic.

My neighbor drops in often without calling. She knocks over and over until I answer the door, or will knock and then open the door right away and come right in. Sometimes if I don’t answer, she’ll go home and call. I don’t mind her company but I do mind the unscheduled visits. How can I get her to stop coming over unannounced?

Have her catch you doing something she really doesn’t want to see.

What kind of activity is up to you, but make sure it’s something embarrassing/horrible/bizarre enough that she won’t tell anyone else about it, but won’t ever pop in again.

Leave a comment

Filed under Uncategorized