Tag Archives: private areas

Everybody likes a tattletale.

My cousin (let’s call her Megan) lives one town over from me, and my husband and I spend time with her and her husband regularly. Over the last five years, the men have become really close friends – better friends than Megan and me. We’ve never been particularly close. I love her, but we’re very different people.

My sister, however, has been Megan’s confidante since they were small, and she’s always reported Megan’s drama back to me. I keep my mouth shut about it, but last week when my sister was over for dinner she mentioned that Megan’s has been having an email flirtation with a man she works with, and was planning a hotel tryst with him. None of my business, right?

Except my husband was there during that conversation, and now he’s all fired up and angry at Megan and wanting to tell his friend (her husband) that something’s going on. I told him to stay out of it but now he’s mad at me, hates Megan, and says he won’t spend time with her ever.  My sister and husband are also angry with each other, and my sister will absolutely flip out if we say anything to Megan or her husband. And while Megan is being dishonest and terrible to her lovely husband, she’s family and I need to support her. What do I do?

Ahhhhhhhhhhhh! My head hurts.

There’s a lot of information here, and what it boils down to is this: Megan is trouble. She’s a sneaky little liar. She should have known better than to tell your sister, and your sister should have known better than to tell you and your husband…and blah blah blah.

I’d like to make a general statement, then, about telling. I always tell my kids not to tattle, because tattling is annoying. For grownups, though, I think tattling is totally fine. If I ever knew anything about a friend’s husband, I would find a way to tell the friend. I don’t think your husband has to be involved on a personal level; any way of spilling the beans will do. Skywriting, candygram, anonymous email, whatever. I would want someone to tell me, and I wouldn’t want someone I love to suffer the humiliation of being the last person to know.

Since nothing has actually happened yet,  in this case instead of telling his friend, your husband should call Megan himself. He should say, “I know what you’re planning on doing, and I can’t in good conscience keep it from my friend. Please talk to [husband’s name] about the problems in your marriage. Since you haven’t done anything yet, maybe this can be an opportunity to save yourself from being a LYING CHEATING SLUTBAG.” (Maybe leave out those last few words, but you get the picture.)

As far as your sister is concerned, she’ll get over it. Maybe this will prompt her to tell Megan not to keep her infidelities to herself, and your sister will learn what happens when a girl doesn’t keep a secret.

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I have an STD that appeared magically out of nowhere.

I’m freaking out. I was diagnosed earlier this week with an STD…but I’m in a serious, monogamous relationship. The symptoms I’m having aren’t the kind that lay low for a while, and the doctor seemed to imply that I was infected fairly recently. I got upset and confronted my boyfriend about it. He insists that he’s been faithful to me and now he’s furious at me for accusing him of cheating, plus he’s upset about me possibly giving him this disease. What do I do?

People do not spontaneously erupt with herpes. I don’t think there’s ever been a case of immaculate conception of chlamydia.

Your boyfriend is lying. Since I’m not a doctor, and since, thankfully, you haven’t fully described exactly what’s wrong with you, I’m just going to go off of what your doctor said. I guess it’s possible that you’ve had this condition for a while and it’s just now showing symptoms, but I still think your boyfriend is lying.

Nice people who love you don’t find out that you have a disease and start yelling at you. It’s natural that you would have thought you got it from him, SINCE YOU DIDN’T GIVE IT TO YOURSELF. Guys who turn stuff around on you like that and get all accuse-y and inflammatory (no pun intended) just reek of guilt. I’d consider your little medical condition a blessing, because now you’re going to dump him and be thankful that this is the last problem he’s going to cause in your life.

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My fiancée’s friends hate me. For good reason.

I recently cheated on my fiancée on a business trip. It was one time, I was drinking, and I feel terrible about it. She has forgiven me and the wedding is back on track, but my problem is her friends. They hate me now. How can I convince them that I’m sorry and it won’t happen again? It’s causing my fiancée a lot of unhappiness because of the tension with her friends.

I’m not happy with you, and it’s not for the reason you think.

If your fiancée wants to forgive you getting jacked up and hooking up with some boozy hussy from Topeka, that’s her decision. But I have a problem with you just coming back, ‘fessing up, and then fretting about the fact that her friends don’t like you. It’s not fair to the poor girl to claim you’re ready for a wedding.

People who are mature, happy, in love, and ready to commit know that they should keep their body parts to themselves. In fact, they WANT to keep their body parts to themselves. Or at least to themselves and one other person. That person being their betrothed.

I don’t think you should be engaged at all, but if you’re too much of a wuss to put things on hold, you better figure out what’s wrong with you ASAP. Go to therapy, read some self-help books, take up yoga and meditation, stop drinking on business trips, and stop having sex with other people. Concentrate on making yourself a good, honest man who knows how to be in a committed relationship. Once you prove this to your fiancée, you can worry about her friends.

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A husband doing laundry is quite worrisome.

I came home today and my husband was folding my laundry!!  He never does this and was intently folding my new Victoria’s Secret underwear. Should I be happy that he is helping with the housework, or shall I be worried?

If my husband were folding the laundry, I would immediately hustle him into the car and beeline it for the nearest emergency room, where I would order a CAT scan, a full psychological workup, and a spinal tap.

The only thing that gives me pause here and suggests he might not have had a personality-altering stroke is that he was intently folding your underpants. Perhaps you should have offered to help him with those dirty, dirty panties, and then turned the phrase “folding my laundry” into a euphemism.

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