Tag Archives: serious illness

Nice to meet you. I have an illness.

I have a medical condition which isn’t contagious and is totally manageable with medication. But it does have the potential to be fatal if not immediately addressed in the infrequent event that I have an episode. I’ve finally gotten my life on track despite the complications of having such a condition…except with the ladies. I hesitate to get involved in a relationship, and I don’t know when to mention that I have this condition, since it will definitely have to be a part of a girlfriend’s life.

Well, don’t be a blurter. Once I went out on a date with a guy I barely knew and I was like, “How many brothers and sisters do you have?” and he was like, “Two brothers. And I hate them. I actually don’t speak to anyone in my family anymore because they’re a horrible group of dysfunctional people who bring me nothing but pain and misery and sometimes I make voodoo dolls of them and poke pins in the crotches.” And I was like, oh, shit: we’ve got a blurter.

There’s no need to share all the personal information you’ve got within the first twenty minutes of meeting someone. If there’s a chance you’re going to drop dead at the dinner table, you might want to give her a heads up, but if your condition is being treated properly, I don’t think you need to tell her right away. If she asks you, “Hey, what’s that medic alert bracelet for,” I think it’s okay to share, but unless you’re dying to discuss it, it’s not a big deal.

Dating someone new is exciting because, piece by piece, you’re finding out who he or she is. Give it a little time, and any girl who gets to know you will surely be so bedazzled by your terrific personality and stunning good looks that your medical condition will just be one of the pieces of you, and not define who you are as a whole.

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Clearly, you are dangerously ill.

I drank a bunch of booze last night, and now I don’t feel good. Do I have swine flu?

I’m not a medical doctor so please don’t take everything I say totally seriously, but:

Yes. You have swine flu.

I find that booze cures everything from scurvy to brain tumors. It can even cure emotional problems! So if you drank a bunch of it and you feel naseuous, headachey, insanely thirsty, and the room is spinning a little bit, then you are definitely not hungover and you definitely have the swine flu. Go see your doctor immediately. Except on the way, stop at McDonald’s for a Super Size Filet-o-Fish meal with a sweet tea and an apple pie. Between that and some Tamiflu, you might start to feel better soon.

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