Tag Archives: summer

I’m on vacation. So here’s some vacation advice.

My boyfriend and I live together, but when we visit his extremely religious parents, they insist we sleep in separate bedrooms. This is ridiculous and I resent them forcing their religious beliefs on us. My boyfriend refuses to stand up to them on this issue and thinks I should just let it go, but I can’t.

One day, maybe you and your boyfriend will get married, and after a few years you’ll welcome the chance to sleep in different beds. It’ll be like an extra little vacation bonus. So just pretend you’re married, and stretch out your legs a little bit.

There’s no point in antagonizing them over this. Save it for something important, like when try to make you go to the 14th Annual 24-Hour Church-a-thon or baptize your baby in a fire pit.

When we travel with our young children, I get very tense on airplanes because I feel like they’re bothering the other passengers. I spend the entire flight trying to keep them busy and quiet, which, to tell the truth, is exhausting and stressful. On the other hand, my husband lets them bounce off the walls and carry on like we’re playing in the back yard and not enclosed in a small space with 200 other people. He says that part of air travel is putting up with other people, and that sometimes those other people are children. Who’s right?

You both are.

One time, before I had kids, I was stuck in a flight on the runway for an hour and forty-five minutes. For half of that time, I listened to the little girl behind me snap her gum until I thought my head was going to explode. I turned around, pointed my long, angry, finger at her, and hissed, “If I hear you snap your gum one more time I’m going to get you kicked off this plane.” She didn’t make a peep for the rest of the flight, except for a little sniffle now and again. Yes, I made her cry.

Now that I’m a parent, I realize that threatening small children is just as impolite as gum snapping. But seriously…where were this girls’ parents? It’s their job to make sure she’s behaving appropriately.

So I don’t think stressing over every outburst, shushing every cry, and running yourself ragged with your own on-board preschool program is a good idea. Your husband is right; kids are kids, and kids make noise. Maybe you can relax a little and your husband can pay a little more attention, and meet somewhere nice right in the middle.

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Summer is here! Don’t be an asshole.

I belong to a country club, as do many of my friends. We have a generous guest policy, but one woman always brings her friend, who doesn’t belong to the club, as her tennis partner. I feel like it’s bad manners on both of their parts: the member shouldn’t abuse the guest priviliges by bringing the same person all the time, and the guest should know better than to continually use the club without becoming a member. I really want to say something about this. It’s not right.

Oh, good idea. I always thought there should be someone with the job of Country Club Police. They should really hire someone to keep track of guests and stuff…oh, wait. I think they probably already did hire someone for that. Someone who’s NOT YOU.


My boyfriend’s friend always makes idiotic sexual comments whenever people are applying sunscreen to each other…especially if it’s me and my girl friends. How can I get him to shut up?

Get the spray kind, and accidentally have a wrist spasm next time he does it. A nice healthy squirt of UVA protection onto his eyeballs might scare him away from you permanently.

If we’re having a barbecue, and someone asks if they should bring something, and I say no, don’t worry about it, shouldn’t they bring something anyway? Everyone knows you bring something when you go to a barbecue at your friend’s house.

Instead of trying to spike people with your kooky, whacked-out, opposite-day version of Miss Manners, here’s a tip: say what you mean. If you need mustard, say, “Sure, thank you, I’d love it if you could bring some mustard!” If you expect a present, say, “I’d like some peonies and a nice bottle of Shiraz.”

And if you say, “No, just bring yourselves!” then put a cork in your judgement hole. Here’s a tip: say what you mean. Conversely, mean what you say. It works wonders.

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