Tag Archives: totally annoying

Would you like a copy of my tax return?

My husband is unemployed right now and I’m a stay-at-home-mom. When people ask where my husband works, sometimes I say, “Nowhere,” and sometimes I say, “He used to work as an accountant but got laid off in January.” Neither response seems to fend off the next question, which I hate, which is, “How are you paying for things?” or “Do you have a lot of money saved up?” or “What are you going to do if he doesn’t get another job?” Even when posed with the best of intentions, these questions seem rude and prying and I wish there were a way to prevent them from being asked.

Oh, come on. This is awesome! It presents so many opportunities for messing with people. If you can maintain a straight face during the delivery, I have some ideas for you.

1. He’s been pimping me out at the 7-11 on Saturday nights. It’s been nice because we get a babysitter and go out for a drink afterward, and it’s become a great date night for us.

2. My parents “accidentally” (finger quotes are perfect here) passed away and I inherited some money.

3. We’ve been stealing prescription drugs from peoples’ medicine cabinets at parties and selling them to the teenager who lives next door.

4. We started a Ponzi scheme. (Pause for a second.) By the way, I heard about an amazing investment opportunity the other day…are you interested?

5. We pretend on Craigslist to have a baby available for adoption, then we skip town with the money that parents give us for medical expenses. Hopefully he’ll find another job before the money from that dries up!

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My stubborn dad thinks he’s immune to all disease.

My dad has a weird-looking skin discoloration on his face. I asked him about it and he got really annoyed and said he’d already asked the doctor about it. When I pointed out that he had asked a full year ago, and that the spot had since grown in size and changed in shape and color, he got mad and yelled at me to mind my own business. I feel like it is my business! How can I get him to go to the doctor?

You have two options.

1. Annoy him until the idea of skin cancer seems preferable to putting up with you for one more second. Send emails, greeting cards, and video messages. Leave voice mails several times a day. Sign him up for melanoma email newsletters and fax him pictures of cancerous growths. Do you have a mom? Is she annoying? Get her to pester him, too. I’m sure she’s good at it. Siblings also work well for this. He might get mad, but everyone has his breaking point, and I’m sure you’ve spent a sizable portion of your life bugging the shit out of him, so you know how to push his buttons.

2. Blackmail.

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Outgoing people, married people, and people on Prozac are all like this.

I’m shy and my boyfriend isn’t. He’s isn’t mean about it but he’s always encouraging (pushing) me to come out of my shell etc. and I’m just tired of having this conversation. I am never going to strike up a conversation with strangers, be 100% comfortable talking to people I just met, or walk into a party and announce my arrival. So I’m a little quiet. I like my shell. Is there anything wrong with that?

The next time you go out, wear a boobalicious top and hot pants. When you walk into the room, jump up and down and yell, “Yoo-hoo, Judy’s here, and I’m wearing my party panties!”

Then drink too much, and talk to anyone who comes within a 10-foot radius. Loudly repeat limericks that involve the word “Nantucket” and tell jokes that involve Playboy bunnies, a cucumber, and a desert island.

By the end of the night I’m sure he’ll be desperately wishing you were back in your shell.

(Or, next time he tries to tell you to come out of your shell, just holler, “HOW’S THIS? SHUT THE HELL UP!”)

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My neighbor is a little too enthusiastic.

My neighbor drops in often without calling. She knocks over and over until I answer the door, or will knock and then open the door right away and come right in. Sometimes if I don’t answer, she’ll go home and call. I don’t mind her company but I do mind the unscheduled visits. How can I get her to stop coming over unannounced?

Have her catch you doing something she really doesn’t want to see.

What kind of activity is up to you, but make sure it’s something embarrassing/horrible/bizarre enough that she won’t tell anyone else about it, but won’t ever pop in again.

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My co-worker’s food smells, Part II.

I sit next to someone at work who eats the most foul smelling food a few times a week. It’s the same dish from a neighborhood restaurant that he raves about, but it smells like rotten ass (excuse my French). I’m looking for a clever, but not insulting way, to tell him, “Hey, your food makes me want to vomit every time I smell it.” Any tips for how I should tell him his food smells?

All is quiet. The smell wafts over your cubicle wall. You say, innocently, “Wow, I didn’t know the deli was serving donkey shit sandwiches now!”

Look around.

“Oh, it’s your lunch. Sorry! It just smelled for a second like my grandmother’s donkey farm. Boy, does that smell bring me back!”

(I used to eat a turkey sandwich for lunch every day until my husband said, “Hey, how’s your cancer-bird sandwich today?” Then I didn’t eat a turkey sandwich for like six years. So if the first approach doesn’t work, maybe try that.)

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My sister’s boyfriend is a douchebag.

My sister is dating someone I absolutely cannot stand.  They live in another state so it’s hard to judge how happy she is in the day-to-day relationship.  When I ask how serious she is about this guy – she admits she is not sure.  How much leeway do I have to say, “You’re dating a douchebag”? I don’t want them to get married and have that come back to haunt me or drive a wedge between me and my sister.  Do I have to just shut up and deal with this chump?  He is rude to our parents, bossy, controlling and generally unpleasant.  I am not the only one in my family with this opinion.  I know I should be thinking about HER happiness… but what about meeeeeeeeeee (and honestly how can she be happy with this guy)?

Hire a prostitute to seduce him, have a handsome and sensitive private investigator videotape it, and then have the P.I. show it to your sister so she won’t have to know you’re the one who hired him. She’ll see the tape, be angry at the boyfriend, and the P.I. will comfort her. They’ll fall passionately in love and during their wedding toast you can reveal that you hired the prostitute, and since she’s so happy, she’ll forgive you and you can dance the last dance of the night with the hot P.I.’s hot brother.

This will totally happen. Or else this is the plot of a movie I saw last weekend on Lifetime.

Anyway, here, in short, are your answers:

1. You have no leeway. She’s your sister, not your alter-ego. You know the old saying…one girl’s douche is another girl’s treasure.

2. Yes, you have to deal with this chump, but no, you don’t have to shut up. I recommend the sneaky route. Fan the flames of your parents’ hatred of him. If they complain about the boyfriend, use every opportunity to say, “You know, you should really say something to him next time he’s rude to you.”

3. What about you? YOU are going to be a nice, supportive, sweet sister. You’re going to do what you can to make her realize her full dating potential without her knowing. Talk her up, make her feel good, listen quietly when she complains about her boyfriend, and have faith that in good time a girl as awesome as she is will realize there are too many great guys out there to be dating a crappy one.

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I’m sick of family functions.

We live near my husband’s family in the town where he grew up. His family is huge, and it seems like every weekend there’s an event to attend or a birthday to celebrate. Not attending these gatherings inevitably hurts the host family’s feelings, and then there’s bitterness and recrimination to follow, including accusations of liking other cousins better or not liking a particular brother-in-law or something else ridiculous like that. My husband doesn’t mind going to all these parties, and likes to avoid the drama. I don’t like having our weekends planned for us and I want to be able to skip some of these events without pissing off my husband and 90 other people.

Oh my God, you have to move.

If you really can’t move, I suggest divorce.

But if you like your husband a lot and want to keep him, here’s a good strategy: ignore them and their forced merriment. Make plans as if there weren’t a hungry pack of wolves waiting to devour every second of your precious free time. This way, when you’re invited the christening of your husband’s mother’s second-cousin-twice-removed’s fifteenth kid, you can say, “Oh, I’m so sorry. We’d love to come, but we have plans.” Don’t engage in the high-drama aftermath. Stay strong. It’s more important to make yourself happy than a large group of people who, I suspect, are always ready and willing to find something to be upset about.

You can’t skip all the shindigs, you know; I’m sure you knew when you got married that his family was like this. I think once you stop attending everything, though, you’ll enjoy much more the gatherings you do attend. Also, see if you can get an ally somewhere in your husband’s family and convince her to get everyone to agree to one big combination birthday party every other month.

Lastly, see if you can’t get some of these occasions to involve heavy drinking. That would totally help.

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My husband won’t put down the damn Blackberry.

My husband is addicted to his Blackberry. He’s constantly checking it and it’s constantly dinging. I’ve asked him before to stop but he ignores me or tells me that it’s for work and that he has to be available. It’s really pissing me off and it’s becoming  a real problem in our marriage. What can I do?

I remember one day when my husband left work early and took me out for drinks and a romantic dinner. The sun was shining, the fragrant ocean breeze was caressing our skin, and I spent the whole time sitting there silently, staring at my fish tacos while his thumbs flailed away on that goddam thing for a full hour. I ended up drinking about 17 glasses of wine by myself and then screaming at him, “I’m going to rip that out of your hands, drown it in the toilet, run it over with the car, and then throw it into the intracoastal waterway where I hope a shark eats it and then swims to Mexico and pukes the pieces out onto the beach.”

I do not recommend this course of action.

In retrospect, a better way of handling it would have been to wait until a time when he wasn’t immersed in checking his fantasy baseball team, going for a high score on Brick Breaker, or actually doing work. I could have said, “Honey, you’re really hot and manly, and I love spending time with you. Sometimes when you’re on your Blackberry, I feel like I’m not getting your full attention, which is hurtful and makes me feel like I’m not a priority to you. Do you think we could agree to designate certain times as phone-free?”

If he’s reasonable, he’ll say okay. If not, I did hear that one time a very clumsy woman accidentally knocked over her water glass at the dinner table and it tragically spilled all over her husband. And his Blackberry.

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