To the people who feel compelled to compose a long missive detailing every glorious move made by you and yours over the last 365 days and include it with your Christmas card: There’s a right way and a wrong way to write a Christmas letter. I’m not opposed to them at all—I actually enjoy reading them, both for their comic relief from the holiday stress, and for the wonderful news imparted by long-lost relatives. This post was prompted by a beloved aunt, whose Christmas letter this year arrived sans card. She announced at the beginning of the letter that she’s sick of sending Christmas cards and that her husband never, ever helps with them. Excellent. Carry on, Auntie M. Next, she happily shared that her daughter had gotten divorced, told an interesting story about how all the toilets in her house broke with a house full of people on Thanksgiving, which she followed up with a cheerful, “I know, TMI!” She’s the best.
And then there’s the other kind of Christmas letter, which is equally as entertaining yet written with a smidge less self-awareness…my favorite being the one from a friend that told of the birth of her child and then followed up with a description of the LEVEL FOUR TEAR that her baby’s head ripped in her vaginal area. Yes, Great-Aunt Edna and your cousin Father O’Brien the Catholic priest really wanted the mental image of your torn hee-haw seared in their brains forever. Happy Holidays, and remember, you really do want people laughing with you, not at you…or at your vaginal tear!
To the people in the school pick-up line who talk for 20 minutes about Junior’s trouble writing symmetrical o’s while everyone else is waiting behind you with a screaming kid in a hot car and is probably very late for a dentist appointment: Perhaps you should schedule a parent-teacher conference.
To the people who wander around small towns where they’ve gone on vacation calling everything “cute” and parking your car in the middle of the street because you think the locals are somehow from a bygone era when people could just park their cars wherever they wanted: Screw you.
To the people arguing back and forth on their Facebook status over whether or not it’s okay to feel bad because Michael Jackson is dead: OhmyGod STOP. Facebook is for loving, not for fighting in a weird passive-aggressive way over whether or not someone whom neither of you have ever met is worthy of being mourned.
This doesn’t mean I want everyone to stop all passive-aggressive Facebook status arguing. That really makes my day. Please keep doing that…just not over Michael Jackson.
To the person who I have heard TWICE ask non-pregnant women when they are due: Do everyone a favor and never, ever ask a woman this question again unless you see a head coming out of her vagina.
To the people who say to women, “You have such a pretty face!”: This is so rude. Horribly, horribly rude. Why qualify it? Just say, “You’re so pretty.” Or say nothing, and go sit by yourself in the corner and think about why you’re such an awful person.
To the famous girl whose name rhymes with Pindsey Pohan: I think you have enough money to retire, move to Montana, buy a nice house out in the country, and go for walks with a dog. Maybe get some alpacas. I think it would be much more relaxing and fun for you than drunkenly lurching around California showing your hoody-hoo to the whole world.
To the girl who’s wearing the wedding dress that comes way too far down in front and way too far down in back and way too far up on the side: You are not Carmen Electra and this is not your Stripper’s Debutante Ball. Grandpa and Great-Aunt Edith don’t want to see your goodies. Yes, we all know you’re a hot sexy girl with a gigantic bosom, but your wedding day is not the day to display your wares for your extended family. Save it for Labor Day. Thank you.
This is a new feature that I think is long overdue. I’m going to give advice to real people who don’t ask for it because they’re too obtuse to know they need help.
To the guy who makes grabby motions in the air and yells “Big boobies!” when he sees a lady he likes: STOP DOING THIS. This is the tip of the iceberg of why you have trouble with women, but halting this behavior immediately is going to get you much farther than you’re getting now.