Tag Archives: wedding

My mother is trying to horn in on my wedding.

I’m in the midst of planning my wedding. I’m 25, and my mother is getting VERY emotional about the whole thing. Her latest obsession is that we have something in our ceremony that “connects” our wedding to hers, like a special song or the same reading. I’ve already said I don’t want to wear her veil (my sister wouldn’t do it at her wedding, either) so I think she’s trying to come up with something else to remind her of her wedding. Is this a tradition that I just haven’t heard of? It seems weird to me and I’m not sure I want to do it.

Oh, come on. Don’t be like that. All your mom wants is to feel like she’s part of your special day.

She also wants to wear a long white dress to your wedding, possibly march up the aisle before you do, give your husband a big smooch on the lips, and have her own special mother-in-law cake that’s bigger than yours and has twice as many frosting roses. Maybe at the reception you and your husband can sit down and enjoy your Beef Wellington while your mom and dad twirl around the dance floor to “At Last.”

Whatever her reasons, your mom is trying to make this about her, and we all know it’s not. Maybe, though, you could help the poor girl out. Stop being all power-struggle-y and let her have her reading or song. Take a chunk of her veil and sew it to yours. Tell her how much it means to you, give her a big hug and a kiss, and stop making her beg to be treated like she’s special. She is special. She’s your mom! She’s a little pushy and annoying, but she’s your mom.

Leave a comment

Filed under Uncategorized

How much should I spend on a wedding gift?

I am sort of an in argument with my friend. She said that when you are choosing a wedding gift, you should base how much you spend on how fancy the wedding will be. Like if you’re going to a black-tie wedding, you should buy a more expensive gift than if you were going to a small family ceremony in someone’s back yard. I thought you just bought a gift because you found something you wanted to buy for the couple. Who is right?

You are, and your friend is a dipshit.

The gift is not your admission price. You spend what you can afford.

You’re not going to the circus (although I’ve been to some weddings that closely resemble one), so a gift isn’t your ticket. Nor are you attending a community potluck dinner, so you’re obliged to bring absolutely nothing to a wedding but your fine self, a date if you’ve been invited to bring one, and any props you might need to do that awesome dance routine that you only do after 15 glasses of champagne.

Think about how mean this is to your friends who have less money. They’re probably the ones who really need the blender and the 12 place settings and the no-stick cookware. Your friends who are having the black-tie wedding are either well-off enough that they can buy their own damn Cuisinart, or too stupid with money to realize they shouldn’t spend $100,000 on a wedding.  They’ll have no use for the present you gave them, anyway, because they’ll be living in one of their parents’ basements forever because they squandered the down payment on a house on some crudites and a crappy band.

See also: https://tochea.com/2010/02/03/after-all-wedding-related-expenses-i-can-afford-to-get-them-a-piece-of-gum-as-a-gift/

Leave a comment

Filed under Uncategorized

What’s less fun than being a bridesmaid? Public speaking while bridesmaiding!

My best friend asked me read a special poem from her and her fiance at their wedding reception. I’m very touched and I want to be there for her except I’m terrified of public speaking. Even thinking about being a bridesmaid makes me want to throw up. I don’t think I can stand in front of a whole group of people and read something without crying, shaking uncontrollably, or fainting. Help me!

Please don’t try to imagine everyone naked. That’s a terrible trick that never works; it’s time-consuming and prevents you from being able to look anyone in the eye later.

Please don’t have 42 drinks beforehand. You’ll still be nervous, and being nervous and drunk is a 100% guarantee that you’re going to upchuck prosciutto-wrapped asparagus spears in front of 200 people who are going to talk about you for the next 25 years. Some crazy girl got shit-faced about 18 years ago at my cousin’s wedding and did an insane, drunken dance routine. My sister and I are still laughing at her. You should have 1.5 drinks first. That’s it. Afterward, do a Jaeger shot, but before, only 1.5 drinks.

One of the most funny, outgoing, not-shy people I know hates speaking in public. She gave a lovely toast at a wedding, and endeared herself and her nervousness to everyone by announcing, before she read her speech, “I’m very nervous, and I’m embarrassed because I think my leg is shaking.” There was laughter, there was sympathy; it was great.

1 Comment

Filed under Uncategorized

How to ruin a perfectly good holiday: get married.

My husband’s annoying, narcissistic, completely psychotic sister has decided to get married tomorrow. That’s right. On the FOURTH OF JULY. We have to use up a precious three-day weekend on her ridiculous wedding hoopla, spend a ton of money traveling, and we don’t even get to see fireworks. I know we have to go, but seriously, is this the rudest thing you’ve ever heard, or what?

On the rudeness scale, it falls somewhere below passing gas in your hand and then cupping it over someone’s mouth, and above screaming profanities at a telemarketer. So no, it’s not the rudest thing I’ve ever heard. In fact, some people prefer to attend weddings on long weekends so they don’t have to take a day off from work in order to go.

What’s rude is making your husband suffer through your constant bitching about an important, special day for his family. You’ll have a much better weekend if you stop complaining and attempt to enjoy yourself.

P.S. Unless you’re 8, there’s no reason to be upset about missing fireworks. Come on.

P.P.S. I’m guessing you hate his sister for reasons other than her choice of wedding date. Maybe you need to address these…just a thought…


Filed under Uncategorized

Ah, weddings.

My best friend is getting married at the end of June and I’m the maid of honor. She lives an airplane ride away so we do A LOT of talking on the phone. I just had to increase my minutes! These calls are not of blissful anxiety or excitement. She is stressed, sleep deprived, and making me a little nutty. It’s the in-laws, who I agree after meeting them are not the greatest. The mother-in-law thinks she is losing her little boy and very resentful. The sister-in-law, well, I’m not sure I even I have a comment. The man she is going to marry is wonderful and 40. His side of the family has not even RSVP’d for the wedding.

I am running out of sympathy and comfort. What should I say now as the remaining weeks linger?
PS. I am not married nor to I want to be at this time.

This is what you say:

“Get a freaking grip, Judy! The problem with your in-laws isn’t going to go away once the wedding is over. It’s going to get worse. Much, much worse, because they’re going to get comfortable and take liberties you never imagined they would. So it’s best to learn how to deal with these people now, or else you’re going to have a lifetime of misery. I can’t afford to keep this up forever, so start keeping a journal and call me every Saturday evening from 6-8 and read me your entire week’s worth of complaints.

Also, Judy, try talking to your husband about these issues instead of me. And by the way, I don’t look good in purple sequins, so can we talk about the bridesmaid dress when you get a minute?”

(You could also just not answer your phone.)

Leave a comment

Filed under Uncategorized